“I was just sitting there when she burst forth like an exploding pipe. Snot and tears everywhere. At first I wasn’t sure if she was laughing, or crying, or both. And then I still wasn’t sure. I am not sure to this day, whether or not she was happy or so dreadfully, dreadfully disappointed.”

I was walking home from Tesco today, with my little boys, and I saw his car outside the house. Dark maroon, casually parked there, without a clue of the dreadful impact seeing it there had on me.

Spent so many years of my life with a thudding heart everytime I see I bright red car, and it turns out his is maroon. What is wrong with me? I am mad. I knew he was in there. I smelt him as I pushed my front door open. It was a beautiful smell. Words cannot explain the beauty I feel everytime I smell his smell. Although I have never been near him it lingers like a swirl of mist behind him when he moves. A unique, oriental smell. Slightly musky, with a hint of something smokey, like beautiful smelling wood crackling at a fire. My heart felt light and heavy at the same time. Like it could fly away dragging a chain behind it. My knees grew weak. I’ve never felt like this before. But I just walked in walked right past him, and marched into the kitchen. He has no idea what he does to me. No idea.

And then, that is when it hit me. I knew. I KNEW. I could never marry anybody but this boy. This man. This beautiful, beautiful practical soul. With his lists. And his surprise smile. You had to look twice to have the full effect of his smile crash down upon you. Flitter in your heart and crack it open with it’s warmth and glow. And his maroon car. And his trainers. He wears trainers. Oh god why he wears trainers. Why. Am. I. Thinking. About. His. Trainers. And his black, black hair. And his grey socks. And his smile. And his face when he is trying to understand what you are saying. And, his smile.

“She was laughing when she told me she tried on his shoes. I sat there in horror. ‘You tried on his shoes?!’ I exclaimed.

‘He doesn’t know you exist and you tried on his shoes!?’

‘And his hat’ she added, then she cringed. ‘I sniffed his hat too’

‘You mad, mad person’ I said to her. ‘You insane human. That is so gross'”

But it isn’t.

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