One Sided Love

Have you ever felt that a platonic love was one sided?

That you spend hours on phone conversations with a friend, who calls everytime calamity falls, and you console and cajole, reassure and listen, and she goes away happier, lighter, but you are left with a small wilting rose in your heart?

I feel that way. I won’t say who it is. I see friends and friendships blossoming all around me, and I do know what it feels to be in such a friendship, but I fear this one isn’t one such friendship.

This one is one sided. I am not aiming to sound like an egotistical hippo when I say this, but I don’t return her love.

We met under odd circumstances. We still love to tell the funny tale of our meeting. It was one that gave me hope and happiness. It consoled me, that I was not a lost soul. However as time passed and our acquaintance bloomed into friendship, I began to feel more lost than ever.

We met a lot and we talked about things, and she needed to get a lot off her chest. She told me all about her troubles. There were a lot of them. Time passed some more.

Her troubles only got worse. Lately we seem to only be talking of her troubles. Sometimes I have troubles, but she never ever hears about them, because when she asks about my life, and I begin to tell her, she launches into a discussion about another problem relating to mine, and soon enough, I find myself nodding sympathetically and speaking soothingly.

“I love you” she says, laughingly, when we are out having gelato, “You’re always here for me. What would I do without you!?”

But I don’t love her. I can do very well without her. This is a sad and horrible thing for me to say, I know it. However I can’t help what I feel. She is not there for me. I can’t connect with her. She doesn’t understand me, and I don’t feel as though I completely understand her either.

I feel as though she talks a great deal but only very little does she have to say. I might be guilty of the same thing, I don’t know. I do know, however, that I am getting tired of lying.

“I miss you”, she said to me in a text the other day, “We really should meet soon!”

I don’t miss her at all.

When I laugh with her, I am forcing myself. I force myself to smile. I force myself to see her. I force myself I force myself I force myself.

I don’t know why. I do try. I think friendship should be more than just listening to somebody’s problems. It should be about connecting and understanding each other equally. It should be about enjoying another person’s company, and laughing together about things we both find funny.

This friend and I, have senses of humour that are on opposite ends of the spectrum. The things she finds funny are things I find smile-worthy, she doesn’t understand my jokes, and I don’t understand hers.

We are so different, how are we friends? We have nothing in common.

I expect that what I am trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with us knowing each other and liking each other, but I wouldn’t go so far as to tell her I love her and I value her presence in my life. While I do make time for her, and I don’t resent that at all, I feel as though I am in a shell desperately trying to get out, to express myself, but our conversations never allow it.

I think I made a friend out of desperation, because it is not easy for me to make them. I tried. I tried so hard. But this is a one sided love.

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4 thoughts on “One Sided Love

  1. I think that friends come in all shapes and sizes. I’ve had lifelong friends as well as those that last an evening. Some friendships may serve a brief purpose, others a long unfolding of love and meaning. Like you, I’ve been in one-sided friendships, in both directions. They run their course and often move on. My best friendships are those that persist despite the ups and down, the months of separateness, the flip-flopping of needs. I guess my point…finally…is that its all good, its all learning, and letting go with grace is part of life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are completely right, they do come in all shapes and sizes. It certainly is all good! I think sometimes I can be a very impressionable person and take things too much to heart, but at the end it is all good, we all need people in our lives, to grow and learn together. 🙂 Thank you for your valuable input.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That kind of selfishness bugs me to no end. I have known people like that throughout my life; there’s one in every group, it seems (work/school/family/friends). I don’t think people who are like that even realize they are conversation monopolizers. At least, I hope they don’t, because otherwise they are doing so on purpose.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think they realise it either. If they did they would have to be particularly conceited. Perhaps they just need that feeling of being in control. It’s tiresome, I agree, but doesn’t it show how the world filled with such a diverse array of personalities?!

      Like

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