Have you ever felt that a platonic love was one sided?
That you spend hours on phone conversations with a friend, who calls everytime calamity falls, and you console and cajole, reassure and listen, and she goes away happier, lighter, but you are left with a small wilting rose in your heart?
I feel that way. I won’t say who it is. I see friends and friendships blossoming all around me, and I do know what it feels to be in such a friendship, but I fear this one isn’t one such friendship.
This one is one sided. I am not aiming to sound like an egotistical hippo when I say this, but I don’t return her love.
We met under odd circumstances. We still love to tell the funny tale of our meeting. It was one that gave me hope and happiness. It consoled me, that I was not a lost soul. However as time passed and our acquaintance bloomed into friendship, I began to feel more lost than ever.
We met a lot and we talked about things, and she needed to get a lot off her chest. She told me all about her troubles. There were a lot of them. Time passed some more.
Her troubles only got worse. Lately we seem to only be talking of her troubles. Sometimes I have troubles, but she never ever hears about them, because when she asks about my life, and I begin to tell her, she launches into a discussion about another problem relating to mine, and soon enough, I find myself nodding sympathetically and speaking soothingly.
“I love you” she says, laughingly, when we are out having gelato, “You’re always here for me. What would I do without you!?”
But I don’t love her. I can do very well without her. This is a sad and horrible thing for me to say, I know it. However I can’t help what I feel. She is not there for me. I can’t connect with her. She doesn’t understand me, and I don’t feel as though I completely understand her either.
I feel as though she talks a great deal but only very little does she have to say. I might be guilty of the same thing, I don’t know. I do know, however, that I am getting tired of lying.
“I miss you”, she said to me in a text the other day, “We really should meet soon!”
I don’t miss her at all.
When I laugh with her, I am forcing myself. I force myself to smile. I force myself to see her. I force myself I force myself I force myself.
I don’t know why. I do try. I think friendship should be more than just listening to somebody’s problems. It should be about connecting and understanding each other equally. It should be about enjoying another person’s company, and laughing together about things we both find funny.
This friend and I, have senses of humour that are on opposite ends of the spectrum. The things she finds funny are things I find smile-worthy, she doesn’t understand my jokes, and I don’t understand hers.
We are so different, how are we friends? We have nothing in common.
I expect that what I am trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with us knowing each other and liking each other, but I wouldn’t go so far as to tell her I love her and I value her presence in my life. While I do make time for her, and I don’t resent that at all, I feel as though I am in a shell desperately trying to get out, to express myself, but our conversations never allow it.
I think I made a friend out of desperation, because it is not easy for me to make them. I tried. I tried so hard. But this is a one sided love.