Can I tell you something?
It’s a little secret. Mostly it is a plaguing nightmare.
Are you listening?
Do you care? If not, it’s okay. I am going to say it anyway.
I have no friends.
Yes, you heard right.
It doesn’t make me a sad human. It just makes me feel sad sometimes.
I don’t know how this happened. Once upon a time I was surrounded by friends. We had some great larks. Then physical distance came between us as we all spread over the globe to pursue our own lives and careers.
Acquaintances came and went in my new life.
I’ve been here six years.
Six years and all I made were mistakes and regrets.
So now I am twenty one and a small voice inside my head says,
“But Lenora, you have no friends.”
I do have ‘friends’, if you can call people who you hang out with from time to time that. But I can’t trust these people. I can’t tell them that my heart is ailing and that I fear sometimes for my marriage. I can’t tell them that I feel like I am a failure at 21 because I haven’t achieved the goals I set out to achieve by now. I can be there for them emotionally and listen to them and cheer them up but I can’t cry to them and have their comforting friendly arms and laughs to bring me up again.
I go to their dorms, we have pizza and watch movies, we go shopping together; but I don’t feel like I can fully open to them. Not like before. I can’t have meaningful conversations with them about things that matter because they don’t seem to understand those things. Maybe adult friendships are different? Psssh. No. I know they’re not. A true friend is a true friend, no matter your age.
There.
That’s my secret.
That’s probably an unsocial thought, and one which I am loathe to let go of. But there we go.
What are your thoughts on friendship? Do you think friendships change as you enter adulthood?
Ocean Bream 
Yes, I think friendship changes. And I like the reference that it is an ’emotion’.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like it too. Friendship is certainly something felt. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
I haven’t kept in touch with any friends from my teens and twenties, not one! For me, those were frenetic times of social exploration and branching out, not of settling down and relating meaningfully on a deeply human level. That came later when life got a little harder. Perhaps you have already moved out of the frivolous years and are looking for a more meaningful connection. It certainly seems that way from what you wrote. It will come. When you see it, put some time and energy into it – friendships need patience and commitment to grow. 🙂 ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
‘Friendships need patience and commitment to grow’ .. truer words were never spoken 🙂 I tend to skim the surface of relationships, never furrowing deeper than what is obviously necessary. Thank you for sharing your experience, Diane.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have no doubt you will find what you seek, Lenora, when the time is right nd right person comes along. You’ll know. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is certainly a reassuring thought 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just wrote about this in my journal today. Relationships in particular.
Maybe we have fewer friends, or fewer ‘true’ friends, when we’re older because when we enter adulthood there’s more responsibility and seriousness. And a lot of ‘friends’ are just there for the good times, not the painful shit we go through.
I’ve moved a few times and now that Im living in a new country I just dont have the energy to go out and make ‘friends’ who I know will just be acquaintances that you make small talk with, I dont have the energy for small talk anymore and adults seem to partake in that more than, let’s say, teenagers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s really interesting, particularly what you say about not having the energy for small talk anymore. You’re right, that’s mostly what adults do. What do you want to gain from a conversation?
LikeLike
Lifelong friends are rare, the ones you can laugh with, cry with, talk through the night with. It’s a different part of yourself you find with each friend but they help you become that part of yourself. I’m sure you’ll find them. Often it’s a matter of confiding, and the mutual trust will grow.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They are so rare that sometimes, they are nonexistent! “Often it’s a matter of confiding”.. that’s what it is. But who to confide in?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, that’s the tricky bit! People who listen, I’d say, which excludes a lot! Many people show no interest in others, talk mostly about themselves, rarely ask questions… But it also has to be an exchange, not just one way. Wishing you all the best.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re so right! People who listen are virtually non existent these days. It’s like everybody is walking in a bubble of self perception, not open to other perceptions. But they are out there. It’s a matter of finding a kindred spirit. Thank you for your well wishes, I wish you all the best too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Friendship is a difficult word or rather an emotion. Not everyone you hang out with is your friend. I am 20 and I have many people in my life who claim to be my “friends”. But the sad truth is they are not. A friend or a true friend always stays by your side, through thick and thin. A friend is the one who appreciates your hard word and lashes out to you when you are wrong. A friend never wears a mask. They can be their real selves and they love you the way you are. They don’t appreciate changes. Nope.
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really like your idea that friendship can be an ’emotion’. It is a complicated emotion, never saw it that way before.
LikeLiked by 1 person