I am feeling discouraged of late. Mostly because I am always tired now. I don’t let this stop me going to the gym, however. I need to get in proper shape. I am noticing some differences in my body but there is still a lot of fat to burn. I feel discouraged and demotivated because there is so much for me to do but very little time to do it all. I have obligations which I am not fulfilling, resulting in possible bad feeling among the parties to whom I am obligated, but how can I when my entire day must be meticulously planned so as to incorporate mountainous piles of work as well as the tuition I do online?
I don’t have time to take Mama out for coffee like we planned three weeks ago. I don’t have time to clean the bathroom or hoover the bedroom where we sleep, or even wash clothes. Time is so valuable and as each second ticks by that I am not spending studying, my anxiety and frustration increase.
Those around me don’t understand this dilemma. They think that because I work and study from home I must have all the time in the world. I am teaching for five hours a day. I have to drop my brother to school and go to the gym. Today this took me four hours. That leaves me with only a three hour gap daily to study my full term course; which is a. not enough and b. not always manageable.
I am becoming more and more demotivated as days go by. When I ask my husband why he doesn’t support me, he says because he is worried if he agrees with me I might begin to feel demotivated and stop doing all the ‘good things’ I am doing.
I won’t. No matter how tempting it is to find some nook and fall asleep, I won’t stop. I will plough on through, dark circles, weak muscles and all.
I just want somebody to listen to me. I want somebody to understand why I have to be selfish. I don’t want to be selfish. I want more time in the day and more energy too.
I am just finding it hard to accommodate all the emotions of all the people around me.
I have faith, though. Faith is powerful. I also have love for both my families, my new one and my existing one. I know this isn’t forever. I am so lucky to have provision for my day(s) and a roof over my head, warmth in my bed. I am very very lucky. People have it so so much worse.
I don’t want to complain. But here I am again. Complaining.
This adulting business is way more than I bargained for. It is also harder because I am living under somebody else’s roof, following somebody else’s rules, and my day is planned around other people. But nevertheless, it is hard, and I want my life back.
People experience difficulty, I find, when they aren’t in control of their lives.
I am sorry for always moaning. I need to get this out of my system, so I can carry on and dig my way through this. It is like wading through water up to my knees. Every step is effort. The more steps there are, the harder the effort. It helps to stop and look up at the sky and moan a little. I will do it. I know I don’t have it that bad. I know it. I keep telling myself that when I want to give up.