Jealousy

“I don’t want you to look at her. I don’t like her.”

That’s me, lately, feeling jealous and insecure.

I am twenty one years old, about 5 foot five.

I am good at languages. I love to read and write. I also love sunshine, the countryside, and exercise. I am a bit of an old soul. I think I am intelligent. Also responsible. I love cooking and baking. I love driving. Cycling. Libraries. Cooking videos. Creativity. Colour. Painting. Drawing. I also do calligraphy. I read a lot of science. I used to want to become a doctor. I think I am a well rounded individual.

My shoulder length hair is severely curly, so visually it is chin length. Probably should have said that first. I used to have really thick, bushy hair. Ringlets flying all over the place. It framed my face nicely.

Now it is thinning, so I have to employ self conscious methods to hide the scalp underneath. As a woman, this is  mentally debilitating. Also makes me feel a bit ugly. Most of the time.

I have some fat. Here and there. I am strong; I can do five push ups at a go, then rest for a few seconds and do five more. I can only repeat this twice, however. I can do the step machine for twenty minutes on level 16 before it starts to really demand my strength and I will then have to lean on the bars as my gluten and thighs ascend ever on. That is some good endurance.

I can be funny in person. I do good anecdotes. I can be weird, which can be funny, if the right dosage is applied, accompanied by structured facial expressions and silly hand/body movements.

I have good thighs. They can cycle me up some steep hills. One friend calls them “thunder thighs”. I admit I was offended at first. But then I thought, ‘Huh. They do thunder up those hills.’

I have some flaws. Well, lots of flaws.

But I think I am an overall good (if slightly runny) egg.

My heart, however, has an extremely jealous sentinel standing guard to protect the one thing that I fear losing the most. She raises her metaphoric hackles and growls viciously if somebody so much as looks towards my husband.

Other girls don’t respect the fact that he is my husband, and will coyly glance at him from under layers of makeup, their bottoms flashing like baboons in jeans so tight I am shocked they can move. They will touch his arm, they will laugh at the things he says.

I am talking about some very specific girls, here. Some girls that I know about very well. Girls who know we are married. Girls who are empty headed sillies, but also very pretty. Prettier than me. Girls who know how to wear lipstick, and can carry off their outfits remarkably well. They are confident and breezy.

That is when I begin to think I am not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not clever enough. Not thin enough. Not funny enough. Not charming enough. Too clumsy. Too large. Too hunch back-y. Too manly (I know, what!? I am not manly. I am very much a girl. But when I see girls who are all pretty and make-uppy, and notice my own bare face drained of colour looking back at me in the mirror, my thin hair, my hunchy arms.. well, you think those things). Too boring.

Sometimes I notice if he looks. I know he isn’t the only one who looks. But why is he looking. Am I not enough?

And the sentinel rises inside me, torch aflame, marching forward, teeth bared.

And I say,

“Don’t look at that girl. I don’t like her.”

Maybe he wasn’t looking at that girl. Maybe he did think she was pretty. Hell, I thought she was pretty. If he did, I don’t want to think about that. It will burn my insides up with fury and hurt and anger if I dwell on such things.

I am very jealous. Does this make me evil? I sometimes feel like a horrible person when I feel that way.

Are you jealous?

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5 thoughts on “Jealousy

  1. You know what, if he thinks they’re pretty, it is just that. It’s just like you appreciating art or think your male Friend or colleague is handsome. By looking at or noticing someone’s beauty doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate you. He is happy with who you are. He’s proud to have you has his Wife. He sees in you more than he sees in the girls that are only on the peripheral of his life. You’re the only one inside 🙂 there’s no need to be jealous 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for this kind and insightful comment, Lili. You’re absolutely right, and I do try to tell myself that countless times but you hear so many things and see so many things (infidelity, etc, which can all start from a look) that one cannot help but feel paranoid. I will definitely try and see it more how you say, though. Very constructive and positive indeed 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I guess you would have to try to change your paranoia because we usually attract what we fear. If you think that they look prettier because they are made up and your face is bare, try wearing a slight rouge if you are not too much into make up. The whole point is build your own self-confidence instead of worrying about whether others look better than you. However pretty you are, there will always be someone prettier than you so there is no point in competing on that level. Just put something on that makes you feel more feminine for yourself, not for others and keep in mind as Lili says that he chose you for what is inside. Keep growing the inside and the bond between you. Don’t make scenes, it is unpleasant and actually creates a strange situation where your husband might start having thoughts while initially he was merely admiring a pretty thing without any other thought to the matter.
        Best thing is also to work on your jealousy by embracing the parts of you that you don’t like and then making sure that you never compare but merely feel good about yourself. As for the girls who actually touch your husband, it is his job to fend them off. A good man makes sure that his wife has no reason to feel any jealousy by telling of flirtatious girls, especially if he knows his wife has a problem with jealousy. Those who don’t I feel are still not fully men but somewhat still boys who have not mature enough to clearly indicate to others that their heart is taken. Wanting to play around with women instead of remaining committed to the woman he loves is what I identify as an offshoot of the Peter Pan syndrome

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wow, thank you for this in depth comment and your valuable advice. I do know this paranoia is something that must be worked on. Reminders like this are wonderful motivators. Making scenes, unfortunately, is something I sometimes do. However I try my best not to. Thank you so much for this comment. It is extremely helpful, more than you know.

        Liked by 1 person

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