Hi, I am shy.
I don’t smile at people.
People think I am ‘indifferent’ or ‘moody’.
I generally am, though.
But when I am not, I don’t smile at anybody anyway. I walk around with a perpetual frown on my face. That is my face when it is resting, and I am thinking about things. Mostly life, mostly what I am going to have for lunch, mostly whether or not my keys are in my pocket.
My ‘moody’ demeanour makes it hard for me to make friends, because its pretty off-putting. Most days I don’t want to make friends, because the general population make me very irritated.
The man who is parking on double yellow making it so I have to wait for the oncoming tide of traffic to wane so I can get past, for example. I gave him a right old glare as I went past. Was it necessary? No. Would it change his attitude toward parking on double yellow? Certainly not.
But it gave me pleasure and so I glared as hard as I could.
I am very good at glaring.
I am also good at being awkward. I say unnecessary things and make unnecessary faces.
Take the other day when I was waiting in the dentist waiting room. The assistant was a girl I knew from college and then uni. We were surprised to see each other.
She smiled so wide at me. That reminded me that I had to smile too.
She was blatantly in uniform, and when she said “Oh I work here now,” I said, without really thinking, because sometimes i faze out when I talk to people, I don’t know why,
Then she tugged at her dark blue scrubs, “Yeah, look at my clothes!”
That was weird. Why did I say that?
I knew she worked there. She even had a name badge.
When the appointment was over, I went to leave.
“Well, thank you so much. See you Wednesday.” I said.
Then she said, “It was lovely to see you, Len.”
I would never have said that.
“It was lovely to see you too.” I told her. And it was.
“How’s married life?” she’d asked me, as I blew my nose loudly in the waiting room.
Ugh. Why do people insist on asking me that? It’s so annoying. I am not defined by my ‘married life’, just because I got married at nineteen.
Now I take to answering people like this;
“Yeah. It’s regular. We wake up and brush our teeth and go to work and school and do life, then go to bed at night. You know, the usual.”
It’s been two years. My life is more than just the ‘married’ aspect of it.
Ask me something interesting, like how is my ocean bream. Or what are my plans for the week. Or what do I think about the current situation. Any situation. I would say I think the bee situation is getting out of hand and they really ought to do something about those rats.
Ask me about my mental stability. I joke. That would be weird.
I will tell you, though, that I secretly think I am insane and might have some kind of disorder, because in my dreams people keep revealing to me that I am autistic.
I mean, that’s ridiculous, but it might have some truth? I am terrible with humans, absolutely terrible.
I never used to be, though. It is really since I left somebody who used to emotionally abuse me and manipulate me. Since I was influenced by him my social life juddered to a rusty old stop and I haven’t been the same since.
I really am such a fool in social situations, and I really don’t want to make any friends, and the friends I do have get on my nerves so badly that I rarely see them, and when I do, I have to force myself to be all nice and say ‘I love you hahaha’ when really I don’t love them. Not a whit.
Oh dear. Who knows. I’m happy, though, the way things are. I think I need to meet people more like me, though. I generally attract folk who aren’t like me at all, which is probably why I struggle to enjoy their company.
What are you like?