Epiphany

 

I want an epiphany moment.

I want to just get in my car and drive somewhere nice and have a right laugh and just.. let… go.

I realised that I have never, in my entire life, ever, ever ever ever let go.

Just let go.

Sometimes I have to force my mind to enjoy something I KNOW I love, but it is not truly carefree or heartfelt.

I always worry!

Even my laughter is checked. My hand will shoot over my mouth, and I will hunch my shoulders a little. I have never thrown my head back and laughed truly, deeply from the pit of my stomach. I worry my teeth might be too ugly and I hate my smile. I think it’s the cheesiest smile ever.

I have laughed myself to tears, of course. But never a belly laugh.

My sense of enjoyment and humour is checked too. I used to be a witty creature, back when my friends and I would hang out all day at school then call each other after school under the pretext of homework but we would always end up chatting about everything.. four hours.

I was with the kids yesterday and it was a party day because it’s the penultimate day of school, and I couldn’t get myself to really laugh and enjoy the moment. I worried the teacher would disprove or that I was doing something wrong. I wanted to make up and play so many games but I was worried the kids would think it was lame.

I worry too much about how I will end up looking or sounding that I end up stifling myself.

And I don’t want to do that! I am 22, almost thirty!

When I am cycling freely down a hill, wind whipping through my hair and slamming into my face, cool and refreshing, I worry about my brakes and the hard concrete below. It’s adrenaline inducing, and not an entirely unpleasant feeling, but it stops me enjoying the freedom and going as fast as I want to go.

So. I haven’t yet had the epiphany one has, at an age of their life, when they shrug off all concern and worry, and just enjoy the moment for what it is.

Sometimes my moments are horrendously ruined for me because I am a morbid old soul and think about death on a roller coaster, or my manipulative and abusive tormentor when I am on a special date. Then it all goes sour and what is supposed to be a great memory is marred by anxiety and sadness.

I am worried in the cinema because I don’t want to die in the cinema. It’s too loud and crashy and my soul doesn’t feel that great there. Weird, right?

My soul is special needs (insert joke face here). It doesn’t feel comfortable in some places. Or maybe it isn’t my soul and just my mental state.

So, folks, I want an epiphany. I want not to worry. I want a ‘hurrah’ moment where my shoulders are suddenly so light and airy and I can sail down that hill without ruining my joy.

What was your epiphany, if you have ever had one?

 

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