I am an uninspired girl.
I have a wound, you see, and every time I am reminded of it, my world turns to grey cloud. There are things I want to say and do and create, but this barrier of gloom and fear acts like a deathly sponge, sucking all joy out of my motivation and creativity and rendering them, well, nil.
So, today I am an uninspired girl. My fingers are itching to turn dull brown into technicolour, and this page into a portal to somewhere more vivid and enticing. But I can’t.
The reminder this time came in the form of an email. And I am tossing and turning throughout the night. Please don’t find me. Please. I don’t want to know you. I don’t want to live like this anymore. It is painful and deadens my heart. I want to be free. I wish I could be free. I wish I could just let go.
I feel like I am trapped in chains. Mental chains. Emotional chains. But they are just as hard and cold and painful as though they were real. And I used to keep telling myself to hold on and push through it because time is the greatest of healers, but as the years have passed, I am still as raw and terrified and anxious as before.
It is an old wound, but it feels as fresh as if it was spliced open yesterday.
Well, maybe that is why I am losing all my hair.
I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Please, leave me alone.