Fat.

You know how everybody says things like,

‘Oh I learned to love my curves and wobbly bits’

and

‘I changed my lifestyle and suddenly I don’t mind the fat. I feel comfortable in my skin.’

and

‘I am happy with how I look, fat rolls and all.’

How can they say that? And how do they look so good? Does their confidence automatically add ten million nice real life pixels on to their bodies?

I am above my necessary weight. And I feel so so fat. And ugly. And so uncomfortable in my own skin. I can’t breathe properly because I am a few pounds overweight and always trying to suck my tummy in. And NOTHING looks good on me because I have a massive ass and huge thighs but tiny calves and ankles and arms and my stomach is not flat anymore, so my clothes all look weird. Fat does not sit well on me at all, and I have a small face too so it just looks – WRONG!

I TRY to tell myself it is okay, I am still beautiful.. but I do not feel it at all. I feel fat and ugly and horrendous and out of place.

Also my husband says, ‘What happened to you, Lenora!?’ and he THINKS things because I can read his face like a book and it makes it worse and I just feel so horrible and unattractive and nasty.

Yesterday I was in the changing rooms and it felt like the music of my life sizzled into a buzz like an angry wasp and then it crankled a bit like a big machine dying down and crumpled into nothing. I noticed my muffin top and my pouchy tummy and then my arms are wiggly and my face is horrible and my legs are not legs they are wobbly misshapen things and I am just a massive ball of wobbly horrible things and I can’t love this. Who can love this? It is awful.

And I stood there for a good fifteen minutes just staring at myself in shock and disgust, and when I came out the lady said, ‘Did you like anything?’

And in my head I said, ‘Yes I loved it all but i hated my body so I am not getting anything at all because my skin does not deserve it and I am a flabby, ugly, dragon and I hate myself.’

I said, aloud, ‘Yes, thanks! I’ll take this one!’

And walked out and now the cute top I bought it hidden away in my drawer because I can’t bring myself to wear it and see how expanded my stomach has become in the span of TWO MONTHS.

I am just a miserable pile of unwanted fat.

malinda_prudhomme___beauty_art___oil_painting_by_malindaart-d63uoz7.png

How the heck do they do it? How do they look so gorgeous! Image Credit.

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Fat.

  1. Just a matter of bringing out the inner beauty – which I’m sure is there. Easier said than done, of course, but possible. You don’t need the validation of others. Validate yourself. What was that ad? ‘Because you’re worth it.’Cheesy, but true.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m no expert, but I think when people get to that point of being able to accept themselves, they’ve learned to love themselves and be happy. Yes, this answer is cheesy too. But there’s a happiness to it all that isn’t dependent on their body, but their life. I know that isn’t much help. šŸ˜¦ And I struggle with it too so I know that it’s not easy to hear this and process it. But I do feel like I’m getting closer to that feeling. I want to be healthy and happy. So it’s all connected. We could talk about this one forever OB.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, I suppose it is the truth. We COULD talk about it forever! I mean, this feeling overtakes me rarely; and mainly in dressing rooms (where I hear the lighting plays tricks on you!), and you are right, when you are truly happy you don’t THINK about your body. I suppose it is about finding your inner happiness, and working towards being healthy and happy. Thank you for your sweet insight, Colleen, I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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  3. I want to lose weight as well, and get impatient with myself for not following through with a diet, but I console myself that at least weight is something that can be changed but not height or the shape of our bodies should someone be unhappy with what nature gave them. I enjoyed reading your honest article. šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think we ate our own worst critic. I have learned to love and accept my body for the way it is, for the most part. Some days I look at the pudge around my middle and feel how much better I’d look if it was flat. But then I tell myself that there are women who would love to be the size that I am, even though it’s considered on the larger size. There’s always someone who would love to have what you have. You may never be told that in person, but it’s true. I’ve envied all kinds of parts of women who were not perfect looking because I was focusing on the parts they have that were “better” than my parts. Now I’ve learned to tell myself that “This is where I’m at and I am still worthy.” It helps me feel better most of the time šŸ’™

    Liked by 1 person

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