I know who I am. Do you?
I am a girl. Some would beg to differ. They would say that I am a lady. A woman. A grown up and mature adult lady with everything figured out.
I think the world views me moody. Irritable. Constantly frowning. I can be too polite to new people and I create a barrier between myself and the world. A barrier that I do not wish to create, but one that forms of its own tragic, magical accord.
I struggle a lot with things. Physical things, mental things.
But I like to create. I like to turn a blank canvas into intricate and unique designs.
I aspire to uniqueness. But I am aware that I am like everybody else out there. I don’t hold myself above anybody else in fact I might sometimes put myself beneath them.
Once, I thought Ocean Bream was a mirage of wonder that was just beyond my grasp. I thought it was strawberry vanilla swirls that streak across the sky, and the gentle fairies dabbing purple splotches of watercolour on the velvet white petals of tiny daisies. I thought Ocean Bream was the way the sun dappled on the floor of the sea – and you can touch it with your hands and you can experience it like something real and physical and true.
I thought ocean bream was something you caught in a glass orb dream catcher hanging in your window, gently turning in an invisible breeze.
When I found out it was a fishy meal I was disappointed. But I shouldered that reality and went on believing in the magic of it anyway. Because I strongly believed that what we wanted to believe could be true.
Back then, I believed that anyway. Now the leaves of my magic faraway tree have curled in rot and slime and reality has broken through that silvery filmy gauze of happiness.
So, when people see this blog they probably think; oh, I bet she wants to talk about the massive catfish she caught the other week.
To be honest, I do not care for catfish or any other fish. Fish bore me to tears, unless they are flashing by in 4k on a TV documentary narrated by Sir David Attenborough.
I am a girl, though. In my mind, I am a girl. I am trying very hard to fit into this world. And be happy with who I am and what I have done.
But the truth is, I am not.
I am still learning.
My soul needs healing, my body needs fine tuning, and my brain needs a big clean out.
I regret a lot of things, which I think is sad for somebody who is only twenty two. I think, at twenty two, one should be not regretting anything, and looking ahead to the future.
I am inhibited but do not know by what. I know what I want to do, though, and who I want to be.
And I want to publish a fantastic book.
I am Lenora Sparrow, and I know who I am.
Who are you?