Ebullient

Well isn’t my Monday-Friday daily posting schedule going well! (not)

Fridays are supposed to be my ‘review’ days, and last week I posted a book review. I have not read nor watched anything particularly enticing recently, so I will review this week.

This week was an event. It was an event I will call ‘Ebullient’, which means ‘bubbling over’. This word can have positive connotations; to be in an ebullient mood is to be excited and enthusiastic about something. However, I like to think that it can also have negative connotations! Bubbling over means danger, heat, suspense. It can translate to anxiety, worry and fear.

Excited and enthusiastic I certainly was about this week, but I was also anxious and worrisome and dreading of it. Is that correct English?

So I geared myself up for it in good cheer, talked myself into a great mood, and plunged myself full swing into some hard work and lots of smiling.

I had two days of training, which was to take place at the golf club next to my workplace. Fear not, we did no golfing. We listened to lectures, saw presentations and participated in ‘exercises’. We were encouraged to ‘network, network, network’ and because I am antisocial and socially awkward, I found this particularly challenging. I like watching people and talking to people, but I think I don’t know how to.

They served a delicious dinner, the highlight of which was a massive tureen of profiteroles and oozing, hot, chocolate sauce.

Both days I returned home late, exhausted and zombie-like. How on earth did I survive university?

After this there was a company team-building day, followed by an evening event.

That was exhausting. I learnt a great deal, I like to think I participated well, but it was exhausting. Every laugh I laughed was forced and fake and eventually it began to hurt my brain.

There were some great highlights, some lovely people, and some excellent food.

But my heart raced, my palms sweated, and I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I was so tempted to go home, but I forced myself to attend an evening of socialising. It was difficult. But I was ebullient, in appearance at the very least.

I am twenty three years old, and it might be time to accept that while I am confident, I might just not be the funny, capable, social person I used to think I was.

That was back when I had a firm group of friends, you see. Now I am a nomad and my network of security (of family and friends) is spread over several continents.

Now I am drifting alone, sort of on a little bit of driftwood, following in the wake of the mad backwash created by a magnificent cruise-ship. I can hear the laughter, but never be a part of it. I can see the joy, but can’t feel it. I can sense the warmth, but cannot touch it.

I can be on the fringes, but never in the middle.

I can dance through the dance floor, but my arms will be cold.

I can flit from one group to another, but shoulders will get ever closer together.

I can smile my widest smile, but eventually it will fade, leaving a forced ache in my cheeks.

Today was a crap day. Like a hangover, but a social one. I don’t feel like being nice to anybody, I just want to curl up and be alone for a while. I feel like I’ve had too much socialising with far too many people and I need a break!

Good job it’s the weekend! Time to recuperate!

How was your week? Do you enjoy ‘networking’ and socialising, or does it tire you out and make you desire solitude?

Night-sky-in-the-north

6 thoughts on “Ebullient

  1. Good for you, Lenora, for giving it a go. I’m an introvert, too, and dislike socializing with large groups of people that I don’t know well. Whoever decided that extroversion is “good” and introversion “bad?” Both have their strengths. πŸ™‚ We are who we are, and that’s okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like that, Diana. This comment is very encouraging! It certainly is good to exit one’s comfort zone at some point or other, but it’s best to stay true to oneself too! I am glad I went, it felt like an achievement. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Several points:
    1) It’s ok to want to withdrawal from people – just not for good or any length of time.

    2) I’m social … but I’m also conscious about my behaviors – that is why I at times work to fit it … I don’t like that …. so I at times intentionally withdraw in order to see if anyone tries to draw me in.

    3) Ebullient is not only a word I don’t know, I’m confident that it’s never appeared on my blog. As a matter of fact, I would greatly appreciate if you can make a comment using ebullient on this past post. https://afrankangle.wordpress.com/2013/12/16/on-palaver/

    4) I just smiled at you. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the smile, Frank, and this lovely long comment! I think the middle way is best when it comes to social situations, try your best and don’t feel too pressured! Things should come naturally if they are right… πŸ™‚ I shall certainly use that word on your blog post, thank you for sharing πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I really like your art and would not have remembered your young age; had you not mentioned it! You sound much more mature than 23!
    I feel happy and outgoing most of the time but have killed time at conferences in the bathroom. Lol πŸ˜€
    Smiles, Robin

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh no, I really should clarify that that is not my art! I must have forgotten to link the credit to the actual artist, so thank you for pointing that out! πŸ™‚ Oh, conferences CAN get boring, for sure! Thank you for your cheery, upbeat comment!

      Like

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