On an Undertaking

Hello internet. I managed to pop out a baby. Well I couldn’t actually pop him out, they had to wheel me into an emergency c section after 48 hours of labour, but I tried, dang it!  I did try. And my goodness, what a mighty undertaking that was.

I won’t go into any sordid details because that is faffy and to be honest I think I am still mentally trying to recover from the whole ordeal. It was very traumatic, actually. I cry to think about it so I don’t think about it. I suppose it is natural to cry at this stage. It’s all a mighty bombshell. As well as settling into this new shock of a life. It really is a shock, they didn’t lie. I never accused them of lying but I sure didn’t take them very seriously.

I feel a little bit as though my life has ended, in a way. But my mum says no, it is just the end of an era, and the beginning of a new one. So that is ok. That is ok.

The main thing of course, is that there is a little man who has managed to steal my heart. A small little mouth and two gorgeous large eyes that are currently grey because they haven’t decided what shade they would like to be. He grunts a lot and is most patient with me, because I have had a series of problems after birth requiring me to keep going into hospital, and every time he has been so quiet and trouble free. May he stay that way.

And, I suppose I have come to say what I feel has hit me hardest these past couple of weeks. Life is so temporary, and change is so sudden. Even change that has been anticipated for nine months. That change is still sudden and a shock and they really don’t teach you that life does not come with a disclaimer.

I have not had more than 3 hours of sleep in one go for over two weeks, so perhaps I am sounding somewhat incoherent, but motherhood is very difficult. And I knew I wasn’t ready, but I think I have to power on through. And I can’t run to my mother anymore and cry my troubles to her and have her lift them gently away from me, because I am now the person that has to gently lift troubles from another little heart. I am the source of comfort and care for a little person, and that astounds me so much. It petrifies me, actually, that someone so small and tiny and incapable of even burping on his own is solely reliant on me for everything.

God I hope I can live up to the word ‘mother’ and do my best by this boy. He isn’t my property, he was given to me, and I need to take care of him as best I can before I can send him out into the world. And that, my friends, is a huge undertaking. And I have never appreciated my own mother as much as I do now.

There.

 

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30 thoughts on “On an Undertaking

  1. First, congratulations.
    In certan ways, you life as you knew it, has ended, Every decision from this point forward must be based on the little man. For some months, his schedule will be your schedule. I am certain you will be a great mother. Your words and thoughts reflect your concern and worries.

    One word of advice, enjoy your little ne. They grow up so fast. (Always have your camera nearby.

    Wishing all the best for you and the little guy.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh, I guess I got my answer, Lenora. Congratulations! No one is truly prepared, no matter how much they think they are, no matter how many books they read, no matter what! So it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and to cry and to be totally in awe, in love, and anxious. It’s really hard in the beginning and it does get easier! In a few years! Ha ha. (Just kidding). Every month will be a bit better than the last.

    Once upon a time, babies were born in villages and mom’s had tons and tons of help. Please ask for mom and friends and the people who love you for help. Even the smallest efforts of those around you will help you keep your balance. Take care of yourself, but let others pitch in. If they offer, take them up on it!

    My last bit of advice…(whether you want it or not, apparently Ha ha) is to relax and continue to fall in love. Babies are resilient and you don’t have to be perfect. A good-enough parent is all that’s needed to raise happy well-adjusted kids. So love your new little fellow up and all will be well. You are on the adventure of a lifetime. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah thank you for your wonderful words of kindness and wisdom, Diana. Haha I was hoping it would get easier in a few months!!! Thankfully my mum and my mother in law stayed with us a week each in turns, and with a week’s paternity leave we seem to be juggling ok. My mum said the exact same thing that you said about villages back in the day 🙂 your advice is so welcome and much appreciated! I hope you and yours are well!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Congratulations, Lenora. Yep, it’s scary at first but somehow we manage and I know you’ll manage fine. He’s already changed a lot in these few weeks and every day brings something new. Treasure the good moments – there won’t be any bad! Actually, there will of course but I think we’re hard-wired to forget them, so they’ll only last for as long as they last and not linger. All the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your congratulations, Curtis. There is a huge blessing in remembering only the good moments – I thought I would never forget those horrific labour pains but here I am, two months later, struggling to remember what they felt like, and only managing to picture that little squished face they pushed into my arms afterwards! Here’s to us all remembering the good and forgetting the bad ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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