Can you decline a wedding invitation, a request to go dancing, an enquiry about your ballet shoes?
Can you say no to the girl who asked you to watch her sister while she spends some time with her boyfriend?
Can you say no to the woman who wants to go cycling with you… but you really want to be alone?
Can you say no… when someone says they will pay you £2.50 an hour to teach their son another language?
Can you?
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t say no and I was told all the time.. SAY NO. Say NO. No.
No, I said, to those telling me to say no. No, I can’t say no.
Even though I just did.
Say no to the man who says ‘come and see me, be brave.’
Alarm bells clanging and mouth dry and heart wringing in fear.
Say no, Lenora, please.
Say no.
Just say no.
But I did not say no.
Sometimes I think I have healed but then I wake up dripping in sweat, heart palpitating, from a dream in which I am saying yes to all the things I do not want to do. I am frantic and anxious and running away but I cannot escape him, he has his sharp claws dug deep into my back.
It’s been eight years.
I said yes for two years and then one day I said no and it took all my strength to do it.
And it took me seven months to stop hyperventilating everytime my phone rang.
Took eight months for the severe stomach pains to go away.
It’s been eight years since I said that final no, and I still dream I can’t say no.
So please say no.
Let your children say no when they’re little, so that when they’re big and need to say no, they should be able to.
Say no.
To the right people.
It’s okay.
Ocean Bream 
YES! THIS is so true. I spent years not knowing how to say ‘no’. I refuse to teach children they must say ‘yes’. We set them up for pain, suffering and heartache. I won’t do it.
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Good on you Colleen! I am glad you’ve learnt to say no, I am still learning! And I will definitely teach my children they can say no when they feel violated, invaded and belittled.
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I went way too long without being able to say it.
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That is sad, Colleen. I am sorry to hear that. It’s better late than never, though, although would have been much better if you didn’t have to go through it at all.
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Thank you OB. I shudder when people ‘make’ their kids hug/kiss people they don’t want to. I never make them.
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YES 100% this!!! Even if it’s his own grandma, if my son says he does not want to hug or kiss her, I respect that. It might be hard for others to swallow (my mum does feel upset), but teaching your kids they have autonomy over their own bodies is so SO important. I don’t care if I hurt other people’s feelings if it means my child / ANY child feels able to set their own boundaries.
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YES!!!!! I did not have the knowledge of boundaries until it was way too late. And the only one who suffered because of that was me. Bravo to you OB!
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i am sorry it was too late for you. I find it poignant that you say the only one who suffered from this was you… too often adults put their own comfort over their children’s needs. But sometimes you gotta be uncomfortable to give a child the space and respect they need to become secure adults. Much love to you. ❤
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Thank you OB. For recognizing all of this. ❤️
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❤
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Yes, saying “no” is so important, and difficult, especially for women who are trained to be helpers and pleasers. I can relate. We have cultural pressure everywhere to subvert our feelings and desires at the beck and call of others. We even can’t say “no” to those who are merely being friendly and kind. You’re so right, Lenora, that saying “no” is an important skill to teach out children, in addition to the need for generosity and kindness. ❤
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‘especially for women who are trained to be helpers and pleasers’ – exactly that Diana. A lot of women feel this way, I don’t really know why – is it something to do with women needing to always be ‘nice’? And yes definitely in addition to the need for generosity and kindness! Thank you kindly for your lovely insight ❤
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Yes. We’re socialized to be “nice,” often at a cost.
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