25th March 2021
I never sugarcoat things. I don’t think I ever have. If I am happy I am sunshine and if I am not I am a cloud. It could be a fluffy cloud but the shine is dimmed as it pushes through.
I guess we can all be like that.
When the health visitor asks me how I am finding motherhood now that I have two children I say, ‘Well, I find myself looking forward to brighter days.’
Enjoy this time, they all say. Relish the cuddles.
And I am.
But I am also feeling low and resentful.
And I know it is not because I am ungrateful.
It’s simply because I have some mild form of depression. And it manifests in resentment and a wistful recollection of the days before I carried and birthed my children.
My body is unrecognisable and I always see women say this and think ‘yeah, duh’ but
but…
But
But
BUT
When it actually happens to you, it’s like a punch in the gut.
HOLY shit. Look at that sag. I DON’T HAVE A BUTT ANYMORE.
And I spend my days covered in baby vomit and when I wear makeup I kiss my baby girl and there on her face is the faint glitter of my bronzer.
29th April 2021
I wrote the above a month ago and had to stop because my then 9 week old had woken up and began to cry. Dismally. And then life happened. But what a difference one month makes postpartum.
You can go from feeling overwhelmed and out of depth to feeling happy and hopeful and looking forward to the future in four short weeks.
I don’t know why I am publishing this post. All I did was complain!
But it was interesting to open it up one month later and read it with a very different mindset. I don’t feel like that anymore.
I don’t feel resentful! I was not in love with my new baby back then but now I am so completely in love with her that it hurts to breathe! I remembered I felt the same way with my first little boy. Took some time for those postpartum clouds to clear away and once they did, wow, the love exploded.
Those brighter days I yearned for have arrived. I still don’t get much sleep at night, I still have to feed round the clock and we are DROWNING in nappies because my 2.2 year old is still not potty trained. But I seem to have more energy and zest for life.
I am in a new chapter and it’s unlike any of the old chapters. There are turns in this road that I never would have anticipated. They feel like wistful turns, like I will look back at them sadly and knowingly in years to pass, and wish that I had lingered longer on their gnarled and wonderful corners.
That’s all I have to say really.
Ocean Bream 