Tonight, I struggled to put my two year old to sleep. Oh he was such a cheeky monster. I was at the end of my tether. Feeling irritated. Touched out.
Like I was about to explode into a million pieces of piercing anger, all directed at his little baby face with those big eyes and those rosy cheeks.
But I did not do it. I breathed. I thought of the sunset. Gleaming through the room, burning through the curtains.
I lay there still as a statue. Still as stone. Dead.
He touched me on my arms and kissed my wrists and climbed all over me and chattered away. Counting things, talking about things we did that day, asking to kiss ‘mum-mum’ (what he calls his little sister) – who was soothing herself to sleep with her thumb in the crib next to me.
When he finally fell asleep it was 10:30pm and there was no time for anything.
I took myself to the shower which turned into a bath, because the plug found its way to the hole and the bath started filling up.
I saw an unopened face mask beside the bath, the paper ones that you peel and place on your face and let whatever serum they soak it in do your magic. It has holes for your eyes and nose and mouth. I thought, why not. Been wanting to do this for months. Catching sight of my reflection in the bath taps made me shudder. Horror movie things.
I lay back in my unplanned bath and just felt tired. Guilty. Defeated. Like a failure. I felt like I failed my child because I did not manage him adequately. We did not do much today.
My legs felt sore and I just did not feel anything emotional.
Just numbness.
Couldn’t stay in the bath too long so I hauled myself out and … here I sit.
I don’t know why I couldn’t stay long. I couldn’t relax. My mind feels like it’s teeming with thoughts but I simultaneously have nothing to do.
My babies are sleeping.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow I will do better.
Ocean Bream 
I can feel your tiredness in your words. Yes – tomorrow will be a new day. But, I wish I could give you some honest advice – but I can’t because we didn’t have children. Hang in there, Lenora.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Frank, thank you for your visit and your kind words. They do mean a lot. I hope you are well! I must pay your lovely blog a visit and play catch up 😀
LikeLike
Those nights when the monsters just won’t settle are so hard. But they happen to Every. Single. Parent. I hope today is much easier… unless now the kid is tired and cranky from staying up so late last night! Hang in there, Lenora. You’re doing great.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha Diana, he tells me about the monsters alllllll the time and I just say, boy YOU’RE the monster 😀 They’re tired, they’re cranky, your entire day is taken up by them… but lordy when they’re asleep you miss the heck out of them. Why is motherhood so complicated 😀 Thank you for your lovely comment, I am feeling much happier tonight, lol.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s complicated so that kids learn that people and families are complicated and imperfect. They learn by watching how to handle uncomfortable feelings, how to navigate conflict, how to recover from mistakes, make amends, and forgive, and grow. They learn about fortitude and love. Those are all wonderful life skills that children best learn within a family that’s imperfect. When I was studying child development, the belief was that “perfect” parents raised less resilient, more anxious children. Being a plain old “good enough” parent raised the healthiest kids. ❤ ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I read this comment a week ago Diana, and then life happened before I could sit down properly and reply to it. I’ve been pondering on your words a lot this past week, during the strenuous daylight hours of motherhood. That’s so reassuring to hear, that the healthiest kids were the ones who didn’t have the perfect parents. It makes so much logical sense too. There is this need to be perfect all the time and when you fall short of yourself as a parent the guilt is immense. But your words hit home for me when you said children need to experience emotions and discomfort and see how it’s handled in order to be able to deal with such things themselves. Perfection and shielding kids from hurtful things will never teach them how to handle life adequately. This week your words have enabled me to be less harsh on myself and make some small allowances in parenting. Thank you so much Diana. I hope you’re well ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad you found that helpful, Lenora. Imagine the stress on kids and families if the expectation is perfection! Yikes. Families are the best places to make mistakes because they affirm that we are still loved despite our flaws. So relax, do your imperfect best, and accept your less than stellar days. Your kids will watch and learn to accept themselves for who they are.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re so right ❤ I hope you are doing well my friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person