I woke up from a horrific dream in which I was living my childhood life as an adult.
My childhood was amazing. There were cockroach infestations, terrible arguments between my parents, and I had a glass thrown at my head once.
By one of them.
But it was amazing.
How can I say this, after listing some of the most traumatic events? I felt loved, a lot of the time. Especially when I was younger. I loved my baby brothers, who are now ‘the boys’, and both tower over me.
I have a lot of good memories, and maybe it’s nostalgia speaking, but I was a happy child.
I do remember a lot of misery and depression, some of which seeps into my adult life, but I was so happy. I loved going to school, I loved my friends. We had so many gatherings and parties, my parents took us to lots of places and really did spend time with us, and enjoyed doing so when they were not stressed. I loved reading all the time and have such fond memories of being curled up behind sofas or under desks with a book. Books tucked behind my textbooks, and once, intently reading a book hidden inside my wardrobe with a torch.
So why was my dream so horrific, then?
I dreamt I was in my childhood home, around the people of my childhood (family, friends), and my baby had gone missing. But I was for some reason supposed to suppress this information. I didn’t know where she was, but we all knew she was no more, and her little sweet voice went ‘mama, mama, mama’ in my head, just how she does in real life. Eventually as the dream progressed I could no longer contain my pain and began to wail in sorrow. The kind of wail where you just cannot help yourself. You lose all sense of anything and give into the hurt.
At that precise moment, my eyes flew open, and it was 6am.
Staggering out of bed, eyes barely open, still nursing that terrible, searing pain, I stumbled into my babies’ room, and there she was in her cot.
Little fists curled slightly on the mattress.
Long eyelashes dusting the soft roundness of her cheeks.
She has been so tough this past week. Clingy, moany baby. ‘Mama, mama, mama’ all the time, tugging on my legs to be picked up, not sure what she wants.
But today I feel reminded to be so incredibly grateful for her, and am looking at it in a different light. Oh, let the baby be clingy. She needs you!
I have just finished typing this and can hear her little voice, thick with sleep, saying ‘mama’.
So off I go to squeeze her!