Can you say no?

Can you decline a wedding invitation, a request to go dancing, an enquiry about your ballet shoes?

Can you say no to the girl who asked you to watch her sister while she spends some time with her boyfriend?

Can you say no to the woman who wants to go cycling with you… but you really want to be alone?

Can you say no… when someone says they will pay you £2.50 an hour to teach their son another language?

Can you?

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t say no and I was told all the time.. SAY NO. Say NO. No.

No, I said, to those telling me to say no. No, I can’t say no.

Even though I just did.

Say no to the man who says ‘come and see me, be brave.’

Alarm bells clanging and mouth dry and heart wringing in fear.

Say no, Lenora, please.

Say no.

Just say no.

But I did not say no.

Sometimes I think I have healed but then I wake up dripping in sweat, heart palpitating, from a dream in which I am saying yes to all the things I do not want to do. I am frantic and anxious and running away but I cannot escape him, he has his sharp claws dug deep into my back.

It’s been eight years.

I said yes for two years and then one day I said no and it took all my strength to do it.

And it took me seven months to stop hyperventilating everytime my phone rang.

Took eight months for the severe stomach pains to go away.

It’s been eight years since I said that final no, and I still dream I can’t say no.

So please say no.

Let your children say no when they’re little, so that when they’re big and need to say no, they should be able to.

Say no.

To the right people.

It’s okay.

Things I wish I could have told you

(You know who you are)

(But I hope you don’t read this)

(In fact, I hope you are dead by now.)

(Please. Never contact me again. Ever. Please.)

  1. I hate you. You debilitated me. To this day, three years on, whenever I think of you I palpitate and sweat in fear. Right now, just reminding myself of it, my hands are shaking and my heart is in my mouth.
  2. Clearly, I am scared of you.
  3. Why am I torturing myself by thinking about this.

 

Okay, okay.

THINGS I WISH I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU:

  1. Don’t touch me, I don’t like it.
  2. You are disgusting, and your voice is disgusting when you swear at me and insult my parents.
  3. I never loved you.
  4. I pretended every single time, so you would leave me alone and let me go home.
  5. I was terrified to leave you, because I was terrified you would hurt me if I tried.
  6. When I finally did get the courage to, it was not for all the reasons you thought it was. It was because I hated your slimy being, your manipulative ways, and your revolting habits.
  7. You stink.
  8. Your teeth disgust me.
  9. Your feet are long and horrible and you are a lying cheating scumbag.
  10. I really, truly wish you were dead. But I know you aren’t.
  11. I don’t wish you well at all. You treated me despicably, then had the audacity to send me on a guilt trip, making me feel bad when it was YOU who hurt me and used me and lied to me and made me your back up plan.
  12. You blamed me for the bad things you did, as though you weren’t a human who could make choices.
  13. You destroyed my happiness.
  14. No really, you destroyed it. I live in constant fear of you, and I don’t even know why anymore. I am anxious all the time now, and I find it so hard to laugh and be free, like I used to.
  15. You say I ruined your life. That makes me so angry because all I ever did was be loyal and kind to you. You treated me so badly that when I did leave you, you dared to tell me I ruined your life and make me feel bad about it? I hate that so much. I feel like punching your face, YOU ruined MY life.
  16. You cannot go through life thinking that people owe you things. Nobody owes you anything, ESPECIALLY when you stomp all over them and make them feel insignificant and use them – they CERTAINLY don’t owe you anything then.
  17. I wish I could tell you to STOP CONTACTING ME.
  18. STOP. CONTACTING. ME. I don’t CARE ABOUT YOU. I am NOT INTERESTED IN HEARING FROM YOU.
  19. Leave me alone.
  20. Seriously. I do not care. At all. Ever. I want to erase you from my memory. I want us to have never happened. I regret everything. I regret hearing your filthy scumbag voice. I hate you. I hate you. I won’t tell you any of that myself because you will see it as encouragement and then the contact will never stop ever. You treated me like absolute crap. You dirty, filthy animal. Go and die somewhere. You classless ignorant being who never wants to make any good out of his life and who moans through life blaming others for his misfortune. You brought it on yourself, lazy asshole.

Carrot Cake

For breakfast, he ordered a slab of carrot cake, coated in thick, creamy icing, and a small mug filled to the brim with a fresh, well made latte. He ate it with a plastic fork, off a ceramic plate, and glanced around at the slowly filling cafe.

‘Hello.’

‘Hi, hi. Yes, hi, Arianna.’

‘Peter?’

‘Pete, but yes, hi.’

‘Pete. You look different.’

His hair was bleached in places from the sun, and the tops of his cheeks and his nose were red, browning. He seemed thinner. His face was sharper, his arms almost scrawny. He wore a bright green polo shirt, and on his wrist was a ring of pasty white against the browny red of his forearms, where he must have worn a watch. Why did he take it off, then?

She sat down in front of him, her clothes pristine, sharp edged, and her hair cut short and straight, not a wisp out of place, despite it being loose around her face.

Her face was clear, symmetrical. She was neither pretty nor ugly, nor was she plain. She just was.

‘Arianna. You don’t.’

Neither of them smiled.

‘Right.’ Arianna pulled a small black folder from her neat bag. It looked as though it fit inside perfectly, neither too big nor too small. He eyed the folder and the bag, then scratched his neck irritably.

‘Let’s get cracking.’ Pete said, and he shoved the last mouthful of oozing carrot cake into his wide mouth, his cold, blue eyes on the folder that Arianna was now sifting through. He swigged at his latte, and then pushed his plate and cup away, folding his arms on the table and leaning forward as though he were at a social gathering, and about to enjoy himself.

Arianna glanced up at him, then quickly down when she realised he was looking at her.

‘Right,’ she said again, ‘right.’

‘Right.’

Arianna pulled out some documents. She leant over, her straight brown hair falling over her face, and pulled a pen out of her bag, which nestled by her gleaming high heels.

‘You will need to sign here,’ she pointed with the end of the pen, ‘and here.’

‘Right, yep.’ Pete pulled the papers towards him, and as he did the bottom part of the paper rubbed against a glop of carrot cake icing on the table, smearing the underside of the crisp paper.

‘Right.’ Arianna said, noticing, and she made the slightest of grimaces. Pete did not notice, as he signed his life away.

‘Right,’ and he slid the papers over to Arianna again, leaving a trail of smeared cream across the table as he did so.

‘Ok.’

‘You okay?’ Pete took another swig of his latte, eyebrows raised in question over the rim of his mug.

‘Yes, I’m fine.’

‘Going to Spain?’

‘No.’

‘Oh.’ he paused, then raised his eyebrows again at her, when she didn’t fill the silence between them.

‘It fell through.’

‘Why?’

‘Company decided to send someone else.’

‘Well. Too bad. I’m great. Had a court hearing last week, for punching a man in the face.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah. Punched him because he was abusing his girlfriend.’

‘Okay.’

‘He deserved it. Right twit. I don’t regret it. And I was feeling terrible because I’d lost mine.  And there he was shouting at his, while he still had her. Fuckin’ prick. Mind you, I wasn’t that great to you myself, was I… so.. What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’

‘You’re peaky as fuck.’

‘I fainted. At work.’

Pete sat back, and swallowed.

‘Good.’

‘That’s not nice.’

‘You deserve it.’

‘Okay.’

‘Yeah, you deserve it.’ Pete pursed his thin lips, nodding a little, and his eyes were full of anger when he looked at her.

Arianna stood up.

‘Okay, then.’

‘Call me soon.’ Pete looked up at her, and despite his cold, cold face full of hostility, she could see the desperation in his ocean blue eyes.

‘Yup.’ Arianna walked away quickly, her sharp, pointy heels clicking on the wooden floors of the cafe, the sound swallowed into the loud babble of voices that took over the cafe as she got further away from him.

Pete watched her go, picking absently at the crumbs on his plate. She exited the cafe, then stood outside for a second. He frowned as she put her face up to the sky, her shoulders rising deeply then falling, before walking across the road. She didn’t glance back once.

His shaky fingers, the nail beds black and grimy, pulled a cigarette and a lighter from his pockets, and he stood up to walk jerkily outside the cafe, where he lit up and took a deep drag, closing his eyes against the bright sun of summer on his face.