Fat.

You know how everybody says things like,

‘Oh I learned to love my curves and wobbly bits’

and

‘I changed my lifestyle and suddenly I don’t mind the fat. I feel comfortable in my skin.’

and

‘I am happy with how I look, fat rolls and all.’

How can they say that? And how do they look so good? Does their confidence automatically add ten million nice real life pixels on to their bodies?

I am above my necessary weight. And I feel so so fat. And ugly. And so uncomfortable in my own skin. I can’t breathe properly because I am a few pounds overweight and always trying to suck my tummy in. And NOTHING looks good on me because I have a massive ass and huge thighs but tiny calves and ankles and arms and my stomach is not flat anymore, so my clothes all look weird. Fat does not sit well on me at all, and I have a small face too so it just looks – WRONG!

I TRY to tell myself it is okay, I am still beautiful.. but I do not feel it at all. I feel fat and ugly and horrendous and out of place.

Also my husband says, ‘What happened to you, Lenora!?’ and he THINKS things because I can read his face like a book and it makes it worse and I just feel so horrible and unattractive and nasty.

Yesterday I was in the changing rooms and it felt like the music of my life sizzled into a buzz like an angry wasp and then it crankled a bit like a big machine dying down and crumpled into nothing. I noticed my muffin top and my pouchy tummy and then my arms are wiggly and my face is horrible and my legs are not legs they are wobbly misshapen things and I am just a massive ball of wobbly horrible things and I can’t love this. Who can love this? It is awful.

And I stood there for a good fifteen minutes just staring at myself in shock and disgust, and when I came out the lady said, ‘Did you like anything?’

And in my head I said, ‘Yes I loved it all but i hated my body so I am not getting anything at all because my skin does not deserve it and I am a flabby, ugly, dragon and I hate myself.’

I said, aloud, ‘Yes, thanks! I’ll take this one!’

And walked out and now the cute top I bought it hidden away in my drawer because I can’t bring myself to wear it and see how expanded my stomach has become in the span of TWO MONTHS.

I am just a miserable pile of unwanted fat.

How the heck do they do it? How do they look so gorgeous! Image Credit.

 

 

My Husband Thinks I’ve Got Fat!

He pulled at the pooch on my tummy which is now a little more than a pooch and said teasingly, “where did you get this from?”, he gave it a small tug and said, “did you put it in your shopping trolley at ASDA?”

I don’t like people to touch my fat but the fact that he could take some of it meant, to me, that:

1. I have indeed got fat. That pully thing never used to happen. Never!

2. He noticed it and called me out on it!! (horrified face)

I like my Nutella on a teaspoon, and won’t say no to peanut butter and jam on toast because there is a small American sitting inside of me who adores PB&J time. I like burgers and melted cheese and plenty of golden roasted potatoes and gelato is something that has become my weakness much like penguins are.

Only I don’t eat penguins, I eat gelato.

But aren’t penguins cute?!

He noticed and now I have to go along to the gym with him, and workout daily and sweat profusely because I don’t want to be podgy while he gains some wondrous muscles and luscious abs. Oh dear. I do like exercise though.

I just don’t like not having chocolate and sweets and penguin gelato. That is the worst bit. I am a pure foodie like my mama before me and her mama before her. I can’t understand how people can say no to such things. I know, it is an exhibition of self control and lack of greed which apparently is something to aspire to but… but… oreos!

Also I am a good cook (honest!) and I thoroughly enjoy cooking which doesn’t help my dilemma at all. People who like to cook cannot exist on mere salads. Fact.

I do like fruits and vegetables and salads and healthy smoothies though. They might be a soothing alternative to my inflated dessert brain. Withdrawal symptoms will certainly occur. After all, sugar is a drug. A very attainable drug at that!