Ashamed to be Female

This was a massive problem for me growing up.

Ashamed of being female. Up until I was eleven years old I loved makeup and perfume and I used to play dress up with my mother’s clothes, wear her jewellery and even her makeup when she wasn’t looking. She always knew, of course. Mothers do, don’t they.

When I was eleven, nearly twelve mind, I started developing tiny buds on my chest. I also started gaining a little weight, namely on my behind and thighs. I wore large T-shirts to cover it up and stopped wearing the dresses my mother used to buy me. I hated them with a passion, even though before that age I would chose them myself.

I started wearing jeans and T-shirts to cover up the boobs, and when I started my period, I cried for days. I prayed and prayed and prayed it would go away (thank goodness it didn’t, what a ridiculous thing to pray for!) and I started feeling disgusting.

Physically disgusting, like there was something wrong with me. Sanitary towels were something I hated, I used to stuff them in my mother’s wardrobe as though they had nothing to do with me. I turned my nose up at makeup and I even stopped brushing my hair because my hairbrush was pink. I even developed a manly gait where I would hung up my shoulders and swagger a little, to show that I was tough.

I wanted to be tough and strong. I played all sorts of sports and forced myself to watch football (even though I actually couldn’t care less about the sport) and was really scornful to girls who giggled too loudly or looked too girly. There is nothing wrong with playing sport, of course, but for me it was excessive and sweaty, and a way to prove I was not feminine at all. This lasted until I was about seventeen; all through high school (college in the UK) I wore oversized hoodies and boyish jeans. I would never accessorise and never made any effort with my hair or face.

I looked like a potato, in all honesty. It was beneath me to make anything of my appearance. I suppose even if I had wanted to be boyish I could have at least brushed my hair and chosen nicer looking clothes. I looked like a tramp more than anything.

I was not comfortable in my own body and I hated my boobs.

The thing is, inside and underneath all that I was actually very girly. Once I became more comfortable with being a female I started wearing makeup and girly clothes and enjoying my feminine assets.

I don’t know why I was ashamed before. Thinking back on it, I think that it stemmed from this idea that I had that women were silly and frivolous and weak. I don’t know why I thought that – my mother is an exceptionally strong woman, and she always told me I was beautiful and taught me always to be myself and stand for my rights and the rights of others. My grandmother suffered horrendously at the hands of her ex husband but came out of it with her head high, albeit with a broken heart. She independently bought her own house in the eighties, and worked so hard to make sure her kids got an education at a time when lots of people didn’t really go to university, was a mother and a father to her children (a really tough job) and when she died left behind a strong, empowered legacy.

I still don’t love my own body, but I love dressing it up and wearing nice feminine things. Also I am a great fan of bras and I love my boobs, which is a good thing because they got so much hate before

Have any other females felt this way? Do you know why one would feel this way going through puberty? If you do, please share!


Disclaimer: I am in no way at all saying that females should not or cannot be boyish. Some do and rock it really well, and go them. I am just detailing my personal journey with this issue.


Society is a Fraud

Another repost. 🙂




This is not a post that says ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH HUMANITY?!” because we all want to say it anyway, so why repeat ourselves?

Perhaps this is the first time I have properly come across such a thing, but I was flabbergasted. I was so naively shocked. Perhaps because I have heard so many advocates for feminism, and read so many articles written by passionate feminists, that I thought the majority of society was now feminist. Mainstream media is feminist! We have Buzzfeed to thank for that.

So when I googled ‘Amy Schumer’ out of interest because of a movie trailer I saw and liked, and saw that the first thing that came up after an official wikipedia page was Amy Schumer shows off tummy in grungy grey outfit in New York City‘  I thought, nah, this can’t be right.

So I clicked on it and was directed to a page like none I have ever seen in my LIFE before.

I honestly thought it was a parody, because of how ridiculous it was.

It HAD to be a joke.

This is literally how it goes:

Amy went out for a walk.

Amy looked amazing yesterday, but today her tiny tummy which isn’t as flat as most Hollywood women’s are, dared to stick out.

We will subtly acknowledge how disgusting that is, but in a very roundabout way.

Also might mention her ‘weight problems’ because why not highlight the fact that this article is really about how FAT Amy is.

My goodness, she is a body positive woman, isn’t she.

Poor thing.

Oh, Amy is feeling hot so she took off her cardie.

Amy’s shoes appear to be comfortable.

Some crappy things that white males have said about her.

Some comments underneath by angered anonymous people sitting comfortably behind screens, their bellies hanging over the keyboard: ‘i don’t care how much you weigh but get pants that fit.’ and ‘Are you serious? Put it away. not cute.‘ and ‘People seriously want to bed her cause she’s famous? Gross.’

Because, of course, those are the only kinds of people articles such as these would attract.

This was from the Daily Mail. A paper that is supposed to be reputable.

Overall vibe of the article: ‘My goodness! Doesn’t Amy look drab! Grey days for Amy! Yesterday she was on fire at the awards show but today… poor Amy.’

Looking at the photo, squinting, trying my best to see where exactly she looked ‘drab’. What, so a woman has to look like she is going to a party everyday?

Here’s the thing though. I went hunting for ‘showbiz’ articles about men. You see, if they did the same thing to men; dissected their outfits down to their homey-day smelly socks, if they talked about their weight and their ‘shameful!’ bit of tummy peeking out, I would have got on with my life dismissing it all as a profoundly odd aspect of tv-showbiz news.

But there was not a single article discussing a male actor’s ‘body positivity’ or his ‘extra bit of tummy hanging out — ooh, not pretty’ or ‘his trainers are a decent buy for this power walk’.

Not a single one.

Welcome, folks, to the twenty first century. Enjoy your stay. Make sure, if you’re famous and a woman, that you don’t dare have a human tummy and NEVER go out without makeup. It would be a travesty if you did.