So No One Told Me Life Would Be This Way

I know it’s a comedy, but you know what REALLY annoyed me about Friends season 1 episode 2, when Ross, his ex wife and her girlfriend were at the first baby scan!?!?

It made me so MAD.

It was the fact that his ex wife and her girlfriend had already talked about baby names, and decided that the baby was to be called ‘Willeck-Bunch’ after the two mothers… despite the fact that the ex wife became pregnant WITH ROSS’s BABY, and the baby was not planned with or had anything to do with friction Susan!!

And Ross was just there stuttering and making agreements and Susan acted like she had a SAY in the whole matter?!

She didn’t, and it made me so angry to see her there so entitled like she did have a say. Susan is the OTHER WOMAN. Ross’s ex wife CHEATED ON HIM with Susan, and just because she is a lesbian does not make it okay. Why should SUSAN’S name be part of the child’s name?

Okay, maybe she will have a big hand in bringing the kid up, but still. Come ON.

If I was Ross, and my wife cheated on me with another woman, then told me she was pregnant with my kid, I wouldn’t want the other woman to have a say in the kid’s name or the kid’s life. I wouldn’t!

It’s not petty, is it?

Anyway. That made me mad.

 

 

Under My Skin

I’m not busy, I swear. Not anymore, at any rate. Not since the 14th of June. Most days I spend doing nothing. So why is it that I can’t call my friends or reply to anybody’s messages?

It’s not that I don’t want to. I really do. Throughout my day I harbour things I want to tell them, storing them away in the drawer of my mind specially reserved for little funny tidbits and anecdotes.

I pick up my phone to call them, but then I get distracted by something outside the window, or by dinner that needs to be cooked, or by somebody wanting something, or just by my own idle thoughts.

Bit by bit my communication with the world grows weaker.

When the EU referendum happened I wanted to call somebody and have a moan about it, but I couldn’t because firstly, I’m not even in the country so charges will apply, and secondly because I just. couldn’t. do. it.

At first my excuse was ‘I’ve too much work.’ And I honestly did. I was snowed under. Now I am not snowed under and I still can’t muster up the motivation and will to rekindle friendships. I am so sorry. What is wrong with me.

Daily life in Morocco is monotonous. Especially for the poor. It involves drudgery and cooking and cleaning and minding children. At least, that is what I have seen. I have yet to see other things, but it has opened my eyes.

Some days I am bored out of my skull. But I know it can’t all be jolly and sight-see-y and fun. It’s two weeks. It’s not exactly a holiday. I was never meant to be. I am happy, just a little itchy to get home now.

And this lack of motivation to be social. I can chatter away to any Moroccan as long as it doesn’t get personal and doesn’t form a friendship. With my friends I am struggling so hard. Like swimming through treacle. It never used to be like this. I am so tired.

Does anybody else ever feel that way?

What are you like?

Hi, I am shy.

I don’t smile at people.

People think I am ‘indifferent’ or ‘moody’.

I generally am, though.

But when I am not, I don’t smile at anybody anyway. I walk around with a perpetual frown on my face. That is my face when it is resting, and I am thinking about things. Mostly life, mostly what I am going to have for lunch, mostly whether or not my keys are in my pocket.

My ‘moody’ demeanour makes it hard for me to make friends, because its pretty off-putting. Most days I don’t want to make friends, because the general population make me very irritated.

The man who is parking on double yellow making it so I have to wait for the oncoming tide of traffic to wane so I can get past, for example. I gave him a right old glare as I went past. Was it necessary? No. Would it change his attitude toward parking on double yellow? Certainly not.

But it gave me pleasure and so I glared as hard as I could.

I am very good at glaring.

I am also good at being awkward. I say unnecessary things and make unnecessary faces.

Take the other day when I was waiting in the dentist waiting room. The assistant was a girl I knew from college and then uni. We were surprised to see each other.

She smiled so wide at me. That reminded me that I had to smile too.

She was blatantly in uniform, and when she said “Oh I work here now,” I said, without really thinking, because sometimes i faze out when I talk to people, I don’t know why,

“Oh really!?”

Then she tugged at her dark blue scrubs, “Yeah, look at my clothes!”

That was weird. Why did I say that?

I knew she worked there. She even had a name badge.

When the appointment was over, I went to leave.

“Well, thank you so much. See you Wednesday.” I said.

Then she said, “It was lovely to see you, Len.”

I would never have said that.

“It was lovely to see you too.” I told her. And it was.

“How’s married life?” she’d asked me, as I blew my nose loudly in the waiting room.

Ugh. Why do people insist on asking me that? It’s so annoying. I am not defined by my ‘married life’, just because I got married at nineteen.

Now I take to answering people like this;

“Yeah. It’s regular. We wake up and brush our teeth and go to work and school and do life, then go to bed at night. You know, the usual.”

It’s been two years. My life is more than just the ‘married’ aspect of it.

Ask me something interesting, like how is my ocean bream. Or what are my plans for the week. Or what do I think about the current situation. Any situation. I would say I think the bee situation is getting out of hand and they really ought to do something about those rats.

Ask me about my mental stability. I joke. That would be weird.

I will tell you, though, that I secretly think I am insane and might have some kind of disorder, because in my dreams people keep revealing to me that I am autistic.

I mean, that’s ridiculous, but it might have some truth? I am terrible with humans, absolutely terrible.

I never used to be, though. It is really since I left somebody who used to emotionally abuse me and manipulate me. Since I was influenced by him my social life juddered to a rusty old stop and I haven’t been the same since.

I really am such a fool in social situations, and I really don’t want to make any friends, and the friends I do have get on my nerves so badly that I rarely see them, and when I do, I have to force myself to be all nice and say ‘I love you hahaha’ when really I don’t love them. Not a whit.

Oh dear. Who knows. I’m happy, though, the way things are. I think I need to meet people more like me, though. I generally attract folk who aren’t like me at all, which is probably why I struggle to enjoy their company.

Anyway.

What are you like?

On Friendship and Betrayal.

I’m ticked off.

I know, it’s Tuesday morning. Surely I would have more positive things to write about. But no, I’m annoyed, and this is my rant.

So I have a ‘friend’ who I used to be pretty close to up until recently when she stopped returning my calls and texts and was being just plain rude. I didn’t confront her about it because I know she can get lazy with things and plus I secretly knew why.

You see this friend doesn’t like my mother in law or my in laws in general. When she found out I was going to marry D she was incredulous and said, “But isn’t he pious!?”

I admit I laughed in her face because D is anything but pious, not that there is anything wrong with being pious but she knows me and I can’t stand ‘piety’ because ‘piety’ means hypocrisy where we come from. But she didn’t know D like I did, and so was going by what she assumed.

But there you see that’s where it all began. She (let’s call her Madam S) was already judging. She was judging my Significant Other without even knowing him. She reckons my mother in law is judgy and that is why she doesn’t want to associate with her, which is all very well, but now she doesn’t want to associate with me because I am now part of my MIL’s family, so therefore I must be ‘judgy’ by association.

I’m sorry but that just isn’t fair. It’s judgemental to assume somebody is ‘judgy’ without giving that person a chance. She hasn’t given me a single fudging chance. Not one. She assumes things about me, and talks to another ‘friend’ of ours who is also hating on my MIL, about my MIL, and this makes her assume things about me meaning she no longer ‘trusts’ me.

Now my MIL is a lovely, well intentioned lady who always tries to be as good as she can and as kind as she can to others. Sometimes this can be overbearing, and sometimes people can get the wrong end of the stick. I mean, I used to as well. But I’ve lived with her now and I know she only means well. When it gets too much for me I have a little moan and get on with it, because she is my family and the mother of the love of my life. She does care about me, a lot, and is always making sure I am happy and comfortable, which I think is lovely. Others don’t know that, but they are exaggerating things that have happened and are going around saying horrible things which are only falling back on me, because I am now part of that family. Also it is insensitive to talk about others when you really don’t know the full picture. It is inconsiderate and not very wise.

For example when one of our mutual family friends was divorcing her husband, my MIL may have said something along the lines of ‘You should be sure you are making the right decision because of your kids etc’. Now that lady’s daughter is telling Madam S that my MIL ‘blamed’ the divorce on her mother (the lady who is getting divorced). Which isn’t true at all, and a slanderous accusation based on presumption, not fact.

The girls who are saying those things are girls like me, in their twenties; impressionable young ladies who generally like to make mountains out of molehills. Yes, I make mountains out of molehills. I can be selfish sometimes, I can be moany and irritating. I admit it, but I also give people the benefit of the doubt!

Some of them have gone through some rough patches, like parents getting bad divorces and family members having nervous breakdowns, so naturally they will lash out at small things and get the wrong end of the stick.

But this Madam S who used to be one of my best friends is being, I am sorry to say, a little bitch. She KNOWS me. So if she doesn’t want to associate with me purely because of assumption then I am sorry, I have better things to worry about.

I have run after her enough times, suggesting outings for us and inviting her to places and calling her and asking about her health and even telling her a hilarious story about wonky boobs which she replied to but then nothing. Silence. Blank space. Nada. Zilch.

So I am done. I think she needs to grow up.

And if she calls me or texts me you can bet your life I am not replying. I am too hurt, and I think she doesn’t deserve my friendship.

So, dear reader, if you have made it this far, what are your thoughts? Have you had a friend betray you before? How did you deal with it?

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Is Your Blog ‘Personal’?

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The fact of the matter is, I don’t think I would want my mother to read this blog.

I’ve talked to my mother about this blog, and about blogging, but she hasn’t expressed interest in reading it, and I have never offered to have her read it. I have written things here that she might not completely understand or might disapprove of, and, unknowingly, because I am writing into the bottomless void that is the internet, I have been very honest with myself here.

This means that if people from my everyday life were to find this blog, I would feel a little vulnerable and laid bare.

The reason I am writing this now is because somebody from my real life has found this blog. They kindly let me know they found it, and apologised for reading it because they knew I would be mortified. They assured me they didn’t read any further when they realised I might not like them to read, which I appreciated greatly.

I did feel a little shaky and suddenly not so comfortable.

It’s funny.

It’s like somebody found my personal diary. But this isn’t what I would call a personal diary.

I feel exposed and as though somebody has looked deeper inside my emotional exoskeleton. Which is an odd feeling to have because this is a public place so anybody, really, can see it. Except I am probably assuming that nobody I know will see it, therefore allowing myself a little more freedom of expression. Isn’t that peculiar? That I would tell complete strangers things I wouldn’t dream of telling people I know?

Obviously I removed a post. It was a post I was a little dubious about writing because it really did come from a deep, dark place inside me and I am not comfortable about having somebody I know come across that.

I guess this was a niggle for me. It still is a niggle for me. I contemplated changing my blog, but the reality of it is that I don’t really want to start a new blog. I like this blog. I have been blogging here for two years now, and the empty ‘New Post’ place has become a place of inspiration and literary brainstorming.

What do you think about privacy and being emotionally honest? Do you share your blog with your family and friends? Or do you do what I do, and keep it to yourself, as it is more ‘private’ (ironic since you’re posting on a public domain!)?

Excuse me, fellow human.

Can I tell you something?

It’s a little secret. Mostly it is a plaguing nightmare.

Are you listening?

Do you care? If not, it’s okay. I am going to say it anyway.

I have no friends.

Yes, you heard right.

It doesn’t make me a sad human. It just makes me feel sad sometimes.

I don’t know how this happened. Once upon a time I was surrounded by friends. We had some great larks. Then physical distance came between us as we all spread over the globe to pursue our own lives and careers.

Acquaintances came and went in my new life.

I’ve been here six years.

Six years and all I made were mistakes and regrets.

So now I am twenty one and a small voice inside my head says,

“But Lenora, you have no friends.”

I do have ‘friends’, if you can call people who you hang out with from time to time that. But I can’t trust these people. I can’t tell them that my heart is ailing and that I fear sometimes for my marriage. I can’t tell them that I feel like I am a failure at 21 because I haven’t achieved the goals I set out to achieve by now. I can be there for them emotionally and listen to them and cheer them up but I can’t cry to them and have their comforting friendly arms and laughs to bring me up again.

I go to their dorms, we have pizza and watch movies, we go shopping together; but I don’t feel like I can fully open to them. Not like before. I can’t have meaningful conversations with them about things that matter because they don’t seem to understand those things. Maybe adult friendships are different? Psssh. No. I know they’re not. A true friend is a true friend, no matter your age.

There.

That’s my secret.

That’s probably an unsocial thought, and one which I am loathe to let go of. But there we go.

What are your thoughts on friendship? Do you think friendships change as you enter adulthood?

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My Life According to the Friends’ Theme Song

So no one told you life was gonna be this way: To be honest, you’re right. Nobody did. I had no idea I would end up married at 19, doing an online degree with the Open University, and battling myself to get work done. I thought I would have published an international best-seller by the age of 15 like Christopher Paolini.

Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A.: My job IS a joke, but I still enjoy it sometimes, plus it got me my first car so that’s a happy pebble. I am broke, but only because I am saving, so really I am not broke I am just unable to spend frivolously. Which is a good thing. My love life has its ups, it has its downs, but when all’s said and done, I’m glad for it and its sustainability and the warmth it gives me when my feet are like ice cubes and I can’t feel my fingers anymore.

It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear. When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year: I feel that way. I’m 21. I still have plenty to do and plenty to prove and HEAPS to improve!

But…. I’ll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I’ll be there for you
(Like I’ve been there before)
I’ll be there for you
(‘Cause you’re there for me too): Mmhmm. Uh-huh. Mmmm yeaah “nods along to the music”

 

You’re still in bed at ten and work began at eight
You’ve burned your breakfast, so far things are going great
Your mother warned you there’d be days like these
But she didn’t tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees: Oh God this is all true, it’s all true.

What about you?