Thoughts

I woke up at six am today, as usual. Did all the morning things people usually do. I also had a coffee even though I am trying to cut back. Saw my husband out the door. Did research on the appointment I had today. I had hoped to have some time to myself today to do my university work.

Didn’t happen. I went to the appointment. I took my MIL shopping. Then I took my M (mother, lol.) shopping. Then I came straight back and started teaching.

I might have some time tonight to do it but it seems unlikely.

This is the thing, though; I am actually doing a full time course from home. Nobody seems to understand that. In a full time course, lectures and seminars usually span the hours of 8am-6pm. There are at least 20 hours of accompanied study a week, then three hours of self-study.

All my study has to be self study.

I need my time to study.

I am not focusing on my university work at ALL.

The only time I get to open my books is when I have to research for an assignment. I have two of those every month.

I need time to study individually.

I don’t think my families understand this.

They think I can willy nilly go here and there because I ‘study from home’.

No. I can’t. I need to dedicate un-interrupted time for study.

This is ridiculous.

I think this is the real reason behind my gradual mental declination.

Over and out.

Dear Delilah

I am feeling discouraged of late. Mostly because I am always tired now. I don’t let this stop me going to the gym, however. I need to get in proper shape. I am noticing some differences in my body but there is still a lot of fat to burn. I feel discouraged and demotivated because there is so much for me to do but very little time to do it all. I have obligations which I am not fulfilling, resulting in possible bad feeling among the parties to whom I am obligated, but how can I when my entire day must be meticulously planned so as to incorporate mountainous piles of work as well as the tuition I do online?

I don’t have time to take Mama out for coffee like we planned three weeks ago. I don’t have time to clean the bathroom or hoover the bedroom where we sleep, or even wash clothes. Time is so valuable and as each second ticks by that I am not spending studying, my anxiety and frustration increase.

Those around me don’t understand this dilemma. They think that because I work and study from home I must have all the time in the world. I am teaching for five hours a day. I have to drop my brother to school and go to the gym. Today this took me four hours. That leaves me with only a three hour gap daily to study my full term course; which is a. not enough and b. not always manageable.

I am becoming more and more demotivated as days go by. When I ask my husband why he doesn’t support me, he says because he is worried if he agrees with me I might begin to feel demotivated and stop doing all the ‘good things’ I am doing.

I won’t. No matter how tempting it is to find some nook and fall asleep, I won’t stop. I will plough on through, dark circles, weak muscles and all.

I just want somebody to listen to me. I want somebody to understand why I have to be selfish. I don’t want to be selfish. I want more time in the day and more energy too.

I am just finding it hard to accommodate all the emotions of all the people around me.

I have faith, though. Faith is powerful. I also have love for both my families, my new one and my existing one. I know this isn’t forever. I am so lucky to have provision for my day(s) and a roof over my head, warmth in my bed. I am very very lucky. People have it so so much worse.

I don’t want to complain. But here I am again. Complaining.

This adulting business is way more than I bargained for. It is also harder because I am living under somebody else’s roof, following somebody else’s rules, and my day is planned around other people. But nevertheless, it is hard, and I want my life back.

People experience difficulty, I find, when they aren’t in control of their lives.

I am sorry for always moaning. I need to get this out of my system, so I can carry on and dig my way through this. It is like wading through water up to my knees. Every step is effort. The more steps there are, the harder the effort. It helps to stop and look up at the sky and moan a little. I will do it. I know I don’t have it that bad. I know it. I keep telling myself that when I want to give up.

Yours sincerely,

Lenora.

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Girl Walks into a Bar

Hello, good day, how can I help?

Yes, hi, can I have one Marriage on the rocks, please?

Sure. If you take a seat, I’ll bring it right over.

Thank you. Oh, and can I have a packet of frustration and irritability with that too? Salted, if you have any.

We only have spicy.

Oh, I like spicy frustration and irritability.

Do you still want the Marriage on the rocks with that? It doesn’t go so well with spice.

No, hmm, it doesn’t really does it?

No, ma’am.

Alright, I’ll have a Marriage on the Hold please instead.

With a shot of syrup?

For good measure, yes.

You need a bit of syrup to carry off the frustrations nicely, don’t you. Balances it all out, as it were.

Ahh, yes. When I have more time, I might get a Happy Marriage.

Oh, ma’am, it’s all here as and when you please. You just gotta ask.

Really, just ask, huh?

It’s that simple, ma’am. You might need to turn a blind eye to the little packets of frustration that come free, though. Nothing we can do about that, I’m afraid. Just grin and bear it. You can give it away, if you like.

Yes, my boss likes those.

Well there you go then.

Thank you.

You’re welcome. 

Fifty Fragments

I am not complaining I promise.

Here is a list of things:

  1. Babies are cute. That is established.
  2. Frustration is inevitable.
  3. I am in and out of two homes. My parents and my in-laws.
  4. I have chores in both homes.
  5. I am also juggling a full time course, going to the gym, and tutoring five hours a day.
  6. I need to have more free time to spend evenings with my husband else I will never see him ever as he commutes to work.
  7. There is literally no space for me to study.
  8. Going to the library is effort as I am needed in both homes.
  9. Not all my things are getting done, leaving many parties dissatisfied with me, work incomplete, art untouched.
  10. I never have alone time, leaving me feeling angry and frustrated all the time.
  11. I don’t have time for painting.
  12. I don’t have time for writing.
  13. I don’t have time for friends. Especially friends. I have ignored calls for weeks. It’s getting bad.
  14. My husband is making fun of me because I am acting like I have it so hard.
  15. I am not.
  16. I am just sad because I want my own space and some time to do the things I want to do.
  17. I am also angry because I never get him alone because his family are always at him to do stuff.
  18. Even though there are other people there to do these things.
  19. It’s not wrong for him to do stuff.
  20. But I feel like I have less of him to be my husband, and I am never a priority.
  21. I also rarely see my parents properly.
  22. I also am having increasingly less time to take care of myself.
  23. And eat food.
  24. I am always hungry.
  25. Because I can’t eat bad food.
  26. But nobody has good food.
  27. Or there isn’t enough.
  28. Like today my mum asked if I was staying for dinner.
  29. Which I was.
  30. I said I wasn’t hungry.
  31. She said it’s ok. She just wanted to know, because there wasn’t enough food.
  32. Yesterday, there wasn’t enough food at my in-law’s.
  33. So I said I already ate.
  34. Even though I didn’t.
  35. I mean, that is ok.
  36. It’s fine.
  37. Honestly.
  38. But.
  39. You know.
  40. I just want my own home back.
  41. And to have time to follow my passions.
  42. And not have to bounce between two families.
  43. And live with my husband again.
  44. And have his mother let us be alone sometimes.
  45. I know we are young. And have no kids.
  46. But, you know, it doesn’t mean we don’t have our own lives.
  47. Oh dear.
  48. I think it will be fine.
  49. I just need to adapt.
  50. I will be fine.

 

Ok, I am complaining. Ha.

 

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Artist credit: Valery Rybakov