19.08.16

My mother doesn’t like to talk about things. I don’t know why, she is just like that. My mother is half blind because of an accident leading to a retina detachment. It hinders her greatly, because it would anybody – to go from being able to see just fine to being part blind.

She still carries on with life, though. And she never ever talks about it. And she gets very annoyed when I ask her about it, so I don’t.

I respect that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe that is her way of dealing with it.

I don’t think I understand my mother very well. I think we are very different. She is more similar to my sister than she is me. They are both very stubborn, which is why they don’t get along most of the time. It isn’t pretty. It makes me very sad.

Today I accidentally found out that my mother might have cancer. She would never have told me. She doesn’t know yet. She is still waiting for results. But she has cysts in her uterus and a high number of white blood cells. But the specialist will be able to determine if she does or not.

She did not want to tell me because I worry too much. Which I understand and respect. But I wish she did tell me. I told her I was not worried and will only worry when the time is right to. I don’t want her to worry about me worrying. I want her to be relaxed and peaceful.

So I left my mother’s home and came to where I live and I have sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Which is so ridiculous because nothing is definite. But. I just. I just thought about all the suffering she goes through. And how rude and disrespectful my brother and sister are to her. And how upset that makes her. And how nasty I used to be back when I was a rebellious little witch.

And. How I can never forgive myself for putting her through hell.

And. How she sacrificed EVERYTHING for me. For us. Her health. Her happiness. Her stability in marriage. Her life. Her career.

And. If it is bad. And if she is sick. I want her to be happy. I just want her to be happy. I just want

her

to be

happy.

I am really upset. And I shouldn’t be because this is not about me, it is about her. So I am only going to show her happiness. I am never going to cry in front of her because that will hurt her. I am only going to be good and kind and make her laugh with my ridiculous stories and listen to her and take her out and treat her to a John Lewis facial because those are super luxurious – and I am going to make sure my siblings buck up and move their sorry asses and help her out.

If they don’t they will have a furious big sister to deal with.

And I just want my mother to be happy. Did I mention that?

My mother is everything to me. She is my whole world. She made me who I am today. I hear her voice in the background of everything that I do. I hear her encouragement and her soft support behind all these words that I write. My mother is one in a trillion humans. There is nobody like her on earth. I know she will love me when all my hair falls out and when I am a fat blob of misery. She will tell me to dry my tears and stop being so silly. She will stomp on my self doubts and tell me I am so beautiful and wise and interesting.

If I don’t have my mother, I don’t have the earth at my fingertips.

 

Hello, I am Doctor Bleep, and Before you Say Anything, Here are Some Antibiotics.

Goodmorning sunshines!

It is the afternoon but I had that little phrase in my head, and the days are so long now (the sun sets at 8:06pm!) that it almost counts as morning. The world is heating up nicely. It is 14 degrees here in England and sunny sunny sunny! I felt the need to shed my layers today, and my brightly coloured flower print top attracted a good many bees while I walked in the fields, I tell you.

Sickness prevails in this family though, folks. Damian has just come off a week’s course of antibiotics, only to come down with another sore throat. I am concerned, of course, there is nothing my mind hates so much as something that isn’t right. And recurring bacteria after antibiotics is certainly not in the normal way of things, and is therefore a morbid cause for concern.

To me, it means that the antibiotics didn’t do as they were supposed to. That the bacteria are RESISTANT.

Can you believe such nonsense!? Who on earth would have thought!?

We all know why, though, don’t we? It’s because our doctors are a little too keen to dole out the bacteria killers, these days. Why, only the other week I had a small lump on my underarm, and the doctor didn’t even have a look at it, he just leant back in his chair and said, “Oh, well, I’ll put you on a course of antibiotics and we shall see what happens”.

I was incredulous. Naturally I declined. You can’t just give somebody antibiotics when you don’t even know if they are being invaded by bacteria.

You know how they say, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’? It comes from a real theory called ‘hormesis’, which is a process undertaken by organisms exposed to low levels of toxins to make them more resistant to larger doses of such toxins. This theory has only recently become accepted as a principal of biomedicine.

Experiments were undertaken on rats and mice, exposing them to minute levels of gamma radiation over a period of time. After this time period, a high dose of gamma rays were inflicted on the creatures, and the results showed that they were less likely to develop cancer from the exposure, than those vermin who hadn’t been exposed at all.

It works the same way with bacteria. If doctors think they can sign off packets of antibiotics for no good reason (I assume because they are commissioned to do so), very soon antibiotics will cease to be effective, and the discovery of penicillin will have gone entirely to waste, and humans will be dropping dead like flies every time we contract an infection.

It is appalling how often doctors where I used to be registered prescribe antibiotics. Once I had gas in my tummy and it was causing me pain, and it had been ongoing for the past two days. So I sought the advice of a doctor and he seemed very frazzled, didn’t even ask for a urine sample, and prescribed me a box of antibiotics which I bought and then threw away.

What a waste. People who really do need antibiotics will be the ones to suffer.