My Husband Thinks I’ve Got Fat!

He pulled at the pooch on my tummy which is now a little more than a pooch and said teasingly, “where did you get this from?”, he gave it a small tug and said, “did you put it in your shopping trolley at ASDA?”

I don’t like people to touch my fat but the fact that he could take some of it meant, to me, that:

1. I have indeed got fat. That pully thing never used to happen. Never!

2. He noticed it and called me out on it!! (horrified face)

I like my Nutella on a teaspoon, and won’t say no to peanut butter and jam on toast because there is a small American sitting inside of me who adores PB&J time. I like burgers and melted cheese and plenty of golden roasted potatoes and gelato is something that has become my weakness much like penguins are.

Only I don’t eat penguins, I eat gelato.

But aren’t penguins cute?!

He noticed and now I have to go along to the gym with him, and workout daily and sweat profusely because I don’t want to be podgy while he gains some wondrous muscles and luscious abs. Oh dear. I do like exercise though.

I just don’t like not having chocolate and sweets and penguin gelato. That is the worst bit. I am a pure foodie like my mama before me and her mama before her. I can’t understand how people can say no to such things. I know, it is an exhibition of self control and lack of greed which apparently is something to aspire to but… but… oreos!

Also I am a good cook (honest!) and I thoroughly enjoy cooking which doesn’t help my dilemma at all. People who like to cook cannot exist on mere salads. Fact.

I do like fruits and vegetables and salads and healthy smoothies though. They might be a soothing alternative to my inflated dessert brain. Withdrawal symptoms will certainly occur. After all, sugar is a drug. A very attainable drug at that!

Where I Introduce Twig Blackadder

Twig Blackadder is not your average Joe. He is quite tall, quite pale. Almost yellow, in fact. He has a shock of white hair, thick white eyebrows, despite being young and fresh. He managed, one day when he was quite small and still new to his enchanted abilities, to turn himself into a stick figure. To this day neither he, nor anybody else for that matter, has been able to restore him to his original self. He became a worldwide phenomenon a few years ago, but interest in the anomaly that is Twig Blackadder had long since waned and he carried on living and breathing and being human, just like you and I (At least, I imagine you might be a usual human and if you are not then I apologise profusely). And yes, I dreamed him up. It was a summery, sunny day in April, much like this one. The year was 2011. I was walking into college (that’s 6th form when it’s at home) and Twig started to talk.

Oh he could talk the hind leg off a donkey, that one. It was this, that and the other. I watched the ground as I walked, intent on what he was saying.

There is something marvellous in the way Twig manages to skirt around all the topics known to man or beast before alighting on the point he intended to make in the first place. He reads the thesaurus before he goes to bed, and sometimes joins it with the encyclopaedia.

“There is no point,” he emphasises to me on a regular basis, “in speech if it is meaningless.”

Which is ironic, I suppose, given that all Twig likes to do is talk. His speech, however, is peppered with facts. He will be telling me about the importance of having a goal in one’s life, and it will take him a good few hours to make this point because he will go off on the most extraordinary tangents, taking me along with him on little worldly and wordy adventures. At the end of the conversation, or rather, monologue, I will have learnt several fascinating facts about worms, and all the synonyms of the word “shun”.

Twig prides himself on never saying anything meaningless. Unnecessary, perhaps, in the context of the conversation, but never meaningless. Or absurd, or empty, or useless, insubstantial, inconsequential, trivial, nugatory, vapid, vacant, futile and hollow.

Well. I mentioned you might be meeting Twig someday. Today he decided to make an appearance, and I thought since you might be wondering who that odd looking fellow, grinning impishly at you might be, I would give him a little introduction on my page.

He says hallo, and it’s good to meet you.