This post is not what it seems.

Is anybody else feeling ‘Covid fatigue’?

Is anybody else sick and tired of staying indoors all the time and panting through a mask whenever they’re out around people?

Is anybody else craving a social life, when previously they were proud introverts?

Does anybody else not want to see their inlaws only all the time, because they’re low-level bullies, and it’s exhausting to brush off being undermined all the time?

Does anybody else want to see a real friend face to face, without lying to one’s inlaws about it, because apparently we cannot see anybody except for them, even if it is socially distanced?

Is anybody else emotionally controlled by somebody?

Don’t you just hate it?

Is anybody else sick to death of living life and making every single decision with the background thought of someone’s mother in law’s feelings and emotions about it?

Does anybody else’s husband act like they don’t love their wife, and tease her mercilessly when his mother is around, because he knows his mother would be jealous and hurt if he dared to show his wife affection?

When my maternal grandmother passed away in 2011, I remember my mum saying something very poignant to someone who came to see her at the funeral.

She said, “Losing your mother is losing your entire world, the one person who truly cares for you, asking nothing in return.”

I was sixteen, I did not understand it at the time, truth be told.

But recently, my mother and my mother in law were in the same room, and my husband and I were facetiming with them. They live five minute’s walk from each other.

My mother in law made one of her usual digs at me, and I laughed and brushed it off with a joke, which made everybody in the room laugh. My mother called me the next day, and asked if I was alone.

“Yes,” I said.

She told me she felt angry and upset at the low-level bullying I was experiencing, and she felt sick and tired of not being able to speak up to defend me, as I always tell her not to say anything ever.

I pacified her, and tried to explain that was the relationship, and not to worry as I don’t let anybody control me. It was kind of a lie, but I can’t tell my mother the truth, she would be furious. My mother is a strong fighter of a woman and I am ashamed to say such things to her, she would never accept it. I don’t know why I do.

At the end of the phone call, I broke down in tears.

Because my husband, who I think loves and supports me in everything, but is sadly also controlled by his mother and doesn’t realise it, would never defend me against any comments made by his mother at me. He would not dare. Hell would rip apart if he did.

Nobody would defend me, I realised. Nobody would even notice. I would fight it off myself, and deal with it, but nobody would care for my mental health and well-being, except for my mother.

She would notice and she would hurt on my behalf but she would respect my wishes and not say anything, but she would seethe inside and she would always be on the lookout for me. No matter how busy she is, no matter how many of her own troubles she has.

And that is what she meant, when she said what she said after her own mother passed away. I understand it now. So so much.

28 thoughts on “This post is not what it seems.

  1. First half – I am lucky that I can get out in nature every day and have friends I can meet outside, but there are bad things (I haven’t seen my parents since spring of 2019).

    Second half – wow. Uhm, it was Norman Bates in the movie Psycho who said “A boy’s best friend is his mother”… Sorry, but that was my first thought. Don’t know what else there is to say, but that at least you have your own mother in your corner!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t have a good relationship with my father-in-law. Actually, for the past 3-4 years, no relationship because I got tired of the way he treats me. I just cut communication with him. Think of it as total avoidance. After all, it was clear to me that other family members were not coming to my defense. I know that doesn’t help – but you aren’t alone.

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  3. I’m so sorry on both counts. The virus has been hard even on introverts. But it will end, and life will enter the “new normal.” I can tell that you’re doing your very best with MIL, and it sounds soooo hard. I wonder how long you can contain the hurt since these things tend to reach a limit. You probably can’t change your MIL, but your husband has a choice to make. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. Hugs ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. thank you for your kind words Diana. The virus has been hard on all, but you are so right! One amazing thing about human beings (and all living creatures I guess) is that we are adaptable. So I am sure there will be ingenious ways to figure out how to deal with not being able to do the usual things we do! Like I have seen some amazing Halloween socially distanced trick or treating tips on social media, they look awesome. As for the other issue, yes my husband does have a choice to make. A VERY EASY one haha. ‘Set healthy boundaries’!! But we all come with our baggage and sometimes it takes a long time to realise what the baggage is. All I can do is help him. Slowly but surely. Things HAVE changed, but sometimes you just gotta lettuce frustration out 🙂 I hope you have a beautiful autumnal week ahead, Diana. Your supportive comments mean a lot 🙂

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  5. Oh honey, I’m sorry to hear this. My ex-mother in law hated me, so I get it. Your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to her. You are supposed to be the most important woman in his life. That’s the agreement when you get married. Spouse first, everyone else second. You don’t have to stand for the abuse of your mother in law. You don’t need to laugh it off or pretend it’s okay. Speak up. Let your mom speak up too. You have every right to do so. Sending you hugs and woman power 💙💪🏻

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  6. Maybe it’s time to let your mother-in-law know just how much she’s hurt you and continues to hurt you. Send her flowers and write her a note. You’re so eloquent, I can see you being able to sway her.
    Or maybe just send your mom the flowers and tell her how much she means to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know, I really wish to do that. That is a wonderful idea. I hope someday, when the situation is a little less delicate, a letter can solve the issues. I can send flowers to both my mum and my mum in law, I know it would make them both happy 😀 Thank you for such positivity! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • It sure didn’t happen overnight. My family was middle class and my husband’s was less well off. My mother-in-law didn’t have a high school education. The first decade of our marriage she thought I was looking down on her—my vocabulary overwhelmed her, and I had no idea what I was doing wrong. I’m a lousy cook and she criticized my efforts constantly. It helped when I gave her a grandson and she saw that I was a good mom. We didn’t really get to be friends until her younger daughters left home and she realized neither of them could cook either! I went out of my way to make her feel better. After all, my mom was an excellent cook and housekeeper. Anyway, we still don’t see eye to eye on everything, but she and I have taken several vacations together. We have great adventures.

        Liked by 1 person

      • It sounds like it started off with a lot of miscommunication. Like a lot of difficult relationships I guess. My mother in law is lovely, she never criticises me at all, and she is a genuinely wonderful person. I have known her since I was four years old, as she was friends with my mother first. I guess what we didn’t know is that she very much needs to control everything, even things that are not part of her life, and doesn’t like boundaries, and that spills into my life and in her interactions with me. But you’re right. Communication is key. And nobody wants a sour relationship, unless they are really and truly twisted, lol! It’s great you both have great adventures together, you’ve certainly given me a refreshing perspective. ❤

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