This post is not what it seems.

Is anybody else feeling ‘Covid fatigue’?

Is anybody else sick and tired of staying indoors all the time and panting through a mask whenever they’re out around people?

Is anybody else craving a social life, when previously they were proud introverts?

Does anybody else not want to see their inlaws only all the time, because they’re low-level bullies, and it’s exhausting to brush off being undermined all the time?

Does anybody else want to see a real friend face to face, without lying to one’s inlaws about it, because apparently we cannot see anybody except for them, even if it is socially distanced?

Is anybody else emotionally controlled by somebody?

Don’t you just hate it?

Is anybody else sick to death of living life and making every single decision with the background thought of someone’s mother in law’s feelings and emotions about it?

Does anybody else’s husband act like they don’t love their wife, and tease her mercilessly when his mother is around, because he knows his mother would be jealous and hurt if he dared to show his wife affection?

When my maternal grandmother passed away in 2011, I remember my mum saying something very poignant to someone who came to see her at the funeral.

She said, “Losing your mother is losing your entire world, the one person who truly cares for you, asking nothing in return.”

I was sixteen, I did not understand it at the time, truth be told.

But recently, my mother and my mother in law were in the same room, and my husband and I were facetiming with them. They live five minute’s walk from each other.

My mother in law made one of her usual digs at me, and I laughed and brushed it off with a joke, which made everybody in the room laugh. My mother called me the next day, and asked if I was alone.

“Yes,” I said.

She told me she felt angry and upset at the low-level bullying I was experiencing, and she felt sick and tired of not being able to speak up to defend me, as I always tell her not to say anything ever.

I pacified her, and tried to explain that was the relationship, and not to worry as I don’t let anybody control me. It was kind of a lie, but I can’t tell my mother the truth, she would be furious. My mother is a strong fighter of a woman and I am ashamed to say such things to her, she would never accept it. I don’t know why I do.

At the end of the phone call, I broke down in tears.

Because my husband, who I think loves and supports me in everything, but is sadly also controlled by his mother and doesn’t realise it, would never defend me against any comments made by his mother at me. He would not dare. Hell would rip apart if he did.

Nobody would defend me, I realised. Nobody would even notice. I would fight it off myself, and deal with it, but nobody would care for my mental health and well-being, except for my mother.

She would notice and she would hurt on my behalf but she would respect my wishes and not say anything, but she would seethe inside and she would always be on the lookout for me. No matter how busy she is, no matter how many of her own troubles she has.

And that is what she meant, when she said what she said after her own mother passed away. I understand it now. So so much.

Things I wish I could have told you

(You know who you are)

(But I hope you don’t read this)

(In fact, I hope you are dead by now.)

(Please. Never contact me again. Ever. Please.)

  1. I hate you. You debilitated me. To this day, three years on, whenever I think of you I palpitate and sweat in fear. Right now, just reminding myself of it, my hands are shaking and my heart is in my mouth.
  2. Clearly, I am scared of you.
  3. Why am I torturing myself by thinking about this.

 

Okay, okay.

THINGS I WISH I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU:

  1. Don’t touch me, I don’t like it.
  2. You are disgusting, and your voice is disgusting when you swear at me and insult my parents.
  3. I never loved you.
  4. I pretended every single time, so you would leave me alone and let me go home.
  5. I was terrified to leave you, because I was terrified you would hurt me if I tried.
  6. When I finally did get the courage to, it was not for all the reasons you thought it was. It was because I hated your slimy being, your manipulative ways, and your revolting habits.
  7. You stink.
  8. Your teeth disgust me.
  9. Your feet are long and horrible and you are a lying cheating scumbag.
  10. I really, truly wish you were dead. But I know you aren’t.
  11. I don’t wish you well at all. You treated me despicably, then had the audacity to send me on a guilt trip, making me feel bad when it was YOU who hurt me and used me and lied to me and made me your back up plan.
  12. You blamed me for the bad things you did, as though you weren’t a human who could make choices.
  13. You destroyed my happiness.
  14. No really, you destroyed it. I live in constant fear of you, and I don’t even know why anymore. I am anxious all the time now, and I find it so hard to laugh and be free, like I used to.
  15. You say I ruined your life. That makes me so angry because all I ever did was be loyal and kind to you. You treated me so badly that when I did leave you, you dared to tell me I ruined your life and make me feel bad about it? I hate that so much. I feel like punching your face, YOU ruined MY life.
  16. You cannot go through life thinking that people owe you things. Nobody owes you anything, ESPECIALLY when you stomp all over them and make them feel insignificant and use them – they CERTAINLY don’t owe you anything then.
  17. I wish I could tell you to STOP CONTACTING ME.
  18. STOP. CONTACTING. ME. I don’t CARE ABOUT YOU. I am NOT INTERESTED IN HEARING FROM YOU.
  19. Leave me alone.
  20. Seriously. I do not care. At all. Ever. I want to erase you from my memory. I want us to have never happened. I regret everything. I regret hearing your filthy scumbag voice. I hate you. I hate you. I won’t tell you any of that myself because you will see it as encouragement and then the contact will never stop ever. You treated me like absolute crap. You dirty, filthy animal. Go and die somewhere. You classless ignorant being who never wants to make any good out of his life and who moans through life blaming others for his misfortune. You brought it on yourself, lazy asshole.

No Title.

Haka-haka-haka-haka. His sobs reverberated through the phone, punctuated at intervals by wet gasps. He cries like he laughs, she thought, like a raucous oscillating drill. She sat in the living room downstairs, her family sound asleep in their beds upstairs, unaware of her turmoil.

Please, God, please. Help me.

“How could you do this?” he rasped.

She didn’t reply, but her shoulders trembled, and silent tears formed rivers down her soaked, swollen face. She felt strangely detached from him. She was hurting because she didn’t want to hurt him, but a part of her was itching to slam the phone down and run away.

He took a deep breath, “I won’t let this happen!” he choked, “I’m getting in my car right now and driving up to give your father a piece of my mind,” he spat, the old malice strong in his tones. Anger clouded her vision like a red veil. She stood up.

No more! No. Fucking. More!

She held back the overwhelming urge to scream, aware she was hyperventilating; her voice was high and harsh, an icy whisper into the phone.

“How DARE you,” she hissed, drawing power from her fury, “WHO do you think you are?! Don’t you DARE come down here. I don’t WANT you here. Don’t you DARE.” She spat each word out. She was terrified he would do what he threatened to, and indignant that he would have the audacity.

He was sobbing quietly as she finished talking. She became aware of her heavy panting. Both her fists were clenched, holding the phone so tight to her ear that when she moved it a little it unstuck from her hot, wet face with a squelch. All her muscles were tight, on edge, ready for flight.

“You’ve ruined my life,” he finally whispered.

You’ve ruined mine.

“Why did you waste all my time?”

“I didn’t,” her voice faltered.

Two years!” the hacking increased.

Haka-haka-haka-haka.

She wanted to slap him across the face. He wouldn’t manipulate her feelings like that anymore. That pathetic, weak crying. She felt repulsed.

I didn’t waste your time. I didn’t. Did I?

I chased him, though. I ran after him and wept when he didn’t text back or answer calls for weeks and weeks. I put myself out there for him and lied through my teeth for him, and went to him even when he was cheating on me the whole time.

I lied for him when my mother demanded to know where all my pocket money would go. Later, when I had no pocket money left, I stole money for him to pay his insurance. Not just once or twice, but many times. I always put it back, though, when my money came through.

‘What would I do without you?’ he asked me, smiling gently as I put ten twenty pound notes in his ravaged, bony fingers. It felt good, when he smiled like that.

“Len?”

She heard the hope in his voice and hung up, heart thumping wildly, staring at her blank screen. He didn’t call back. One minute passed. Then another, and another. She got up and lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

Please, God, keep him away from me. Please protect me from him. Please make him happy without me. Please, please God.

An hour later a message lit up her phone. Under his name in the notification bar was a small yellow face with two rivers of tears running down it. Her heart slumped.

Please, God.

***

“Is it because your parents don’t approve?” he asked her a week earlier when she tried to break up with him in person. They were in his mother’s front room, him standing, her sitting. He had been angry all afternoon, slamming cupboards, shaking her.

“No!” she sobbed.

“Then why?” his voice was rising, and a vein on his forehead protruded, purple and throbbing.

“I just don’t.. want this life.”

“I told you I would marry you.”

She shook her head, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. He moved closer to her, and her eyes focused on the giant metal cross leaning against the far wall, everything else in her frame of vision blurring. His crotch pressed into her face, as she focused on the way the russet hair of Jesus curled over his bronze face. He pushed into her and her head jerked back roughly against the sofa, straining her neck.

“I don’t let my parents choose who I should love,” was his parting shot, his eyes red and wet.

 

***

She knew deep down in her heart that it was wrong. She knew it was wrong when she started talking to him. She did a double take when she saw his photo online. Strong brows knitted over a pair of sharp ocean eyes, pointy nose and bright red mouth. Hair spiked up over his forehead.

‘Hello! How are you today? :)’

‘Hi, I’m good thanks, you?’

They spoke for a while. Then she went out and had no internet. When she got home, there was a message from him online.

‘You make my tummy flip!’

It sounded cheesy, and she didn’t know if it was the excitement of the day clinging on to her, but the sentence made her tummy flip.

‘I bet you say that to all the girls.’

What am I doing?

Three days later, he professed his love for her, and told her he was jealous of all boys who spoke to her. Never had she been so flattered in her life. She hugged herself everywhere, her knees wobbled like jelly when she thought about him.

I’m in love.

Maybe it was this wholehearted, deep rooted infatuation making her half mad that obscured her judgement. She called him every night. He told her she was ‘so fucking sexy’ when she sent him a photo of herself at his request. He said her voice on the phone was beautiful, he could listen to it all night.

‘I don’t believe in sex before marriage,’ she said, when he mentioned that he wanted to be inside her. It threw her a little, disgusted her, but another part of her liked hearing that.

‘So marry me.’

She loved his voice in the dark as she lay on the damp grass under the stars through the summer, her phone pressed hard to her ear, her voice a quivering whisper as they spoke into the small hours.

“Come and see me,” he pleaded with her, “be brave.”

She did go, finally. The harsh light overhead accompanied with the rattling and swaying as the bus wound around tight country roads made her queasy. She watched the man in front of her, as the folds of his neck, behind the sweat stained cuffs of his shirt, rolled over each other with each movement the bus made, and when he turned to glare out of the window, she caught a whiff of something acrid. She leant as far back on the seat as she could, tugging at her neckline. If it was a little looser, perhaps she wouldn’t feel so nauseous. Or maybe it wasn’t her surroundings at all, but the fact that she was doing this. She was going to meet him. A loud voice in the back of her mind which she tried her best to stifle, was telling her to go back, go home, but his words rang in her ears.

‘You’ll always be under the control of your parents.’

He loves me, though. He loves me.

When the bus pulled into the station, there he stood, waiting for her. A cold, clammy feeling spread over her body as though somebody had cracked a giant egg on her head.

 

***

His face loomed in front of her, his eyes not blue and not green but an icy ocean of both colours.

Live a little, his voice raspy from all the cigarettes he was always smoking, it’s legal I promise.

No no no no. I don’t want to.

 

Go on you buzzkill.

She took the flimsy little roll up he held out to her. She toked on it, and her eyes scanned the stars above. She shivered in the icy cold.

Eyyyy. That was nothing. Have another.

It doesn’t taste nice.

That cackle again. Hack hack hack.

She breathed in the putrid smoke, she held it there like she’d seen him do so many times. She breathed it out, and watched the swirls drift away in the wintry air. Just him and her, standing alone in the doorway to the garden. Just how she’d always wanted it. Why, then, was she so unhappy? She tried to lift her feet but they wouldn’t move.

“My feet won’t move,” she heard her voice say solemnly. She felt anything but solemn, panic rose inside her. Her movements were slow and dreamy, her speech was lethargic. Her brain separated into two, one ugly one telling her she was mad and that she was going to die, and the other swelling up, the voice of reason, telling her to hold on. His eyes drifted in front of her, and her logical brain told her not to trust him.

‘I’m dying,’ she murmured faintly, ‘call an ambulance, please!’

He laughed. High pitched and feminine, she thought. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

***

“Where were you?” her mother demanded, her tone terse. Amal could see the worry creasing the lines beside her eyes.

“With Lucy,” Amal muttered, pushing past her mother and going up the stairs. She sniffed the inside of her polo neck. She smelled of him. Cigarettes and lynx, and something musky.

“Were you, really?”

She hated the accusation in her mother’s voice.

“Yes.” Her voice was clipped.

She pushed herself into the bathroom, and ripped off her clothes, discarding them on the cold, tiled floor.

She had rushed out in the morning, without any breakfast. Used whatever money she had left to buy the bus ticket. Sat on the rickety bus for an hour and a half, feeling as though she was going to vomit from nerves and heat. Walked across the disgusting old bus station and crossed the road to where he was waiting in his ancient, battered dark blue Citroen. Climbing in. Then her silence would settle in. It was as if a heavy weight was placed on her chest, suffocating her. Thoughts would bubble up and froth away, swallowed back down her oesophagus, until her belly was full, like a leaden sack. He would talk at her, mostly lies to big himself up. The sack in her belly growing and growing until it swelled into her chest, eating away at her as he launched into his customary rant trashing her family, calling her parents all kinds of names. Did she argue? No, she just sat there and drank it all in. But she loved him, so it was okay. She loved him when the pain seared through her, every inch of her body tense. It’s almost over. Almost over.

In the shower, as the scalding water beat on her skin, plastering her hair to her face, her whole body revolted, repulsed. She was throbbing and sore. Her legs shook and she had to hold on tight to the side of the bath so keep the room in focus.

How could she have let him touch her.

 

***

He texted a few months after she had left him. ‘Your name. That’s all I can think about.’

 ‘I miss you so much.’

‘I will call your mother.’

‘You ruined my life. I’m going to kidnap you and kill your father.’

‘I will kill your whole family.’

‘I love you so so much. I can’t stop thinking about you. If you don’t reply, I will kill myself. You heartless bitch.’

The last text, full of malicious venom, made her shriek with fury. She refused to reply, though, to grace his malice with any response.

She screamed and and screamed into the emptiness of her house.

Delete, delete, delete. Twenty calls a day. Anxiety ripping her apart, racking her body, making bile rise in her throat. She retched from fear, but nothing came out of her mouth.

***

Manipulative psychopath. His figure was blurry in the distance, but the lanky legs shooting out beneath him as he scuttled along the pavement like a giant grasshopper were telling. His bony shoulders jutted out on either side, his long head rising up in the centre, the light brown fluff on top, greasy and thin, swept over his huge, gaping forehead. The way his head sat a little forward, his neck protruding out over his chest, giving him a self-conscious hunch. His body growing narrower and narrower down to his feet. He was long and narrow and bony and revolting.

He won’t recognise me. It’s been so long. 

She felt he was looking at her; she drew her face inwards so that folds of skin bulged out beneath her chin. She scowled heavily, knitting her brows together, and lifting her upper lip, trying to make herself as ugly as possible.

He was coming closer. Each step she took was weighted.

Don’t look up.

They passed each other. Blood thundered in her ears.

Please don’t recognise me.

The moment passed. The whirlwind rushed by. Her limbs were weak.

Manipulative psychopath.

His crotch in her face.

His drugs in her mouth.

His scent in her nose.

His harsh anger, rattling through the phone, making her throat dry and filling her with dread.

His threats.

“I’ll kick you in the fanny if you don’t shut up.”

“CUN-ttttt.”

Threatening her if she refused to come and see him.

Slamming doors in her face.

Calling her mother a bitch.

Those sexual messages to Angie, Katie, Chloe.

Her running after him, despite the sexual messages.

His.. crotch.. in .. her face.

“CUNT-ttttt.”

She whipped around sharply, suddenly furious, her scarf whirling around her head.

I had no closure.

She followed him as he jaunted off down the street. His long arms swung uselessly beside him, making her angry, twitching like that. She walked faster.

He needs to pay for what he did.

Her voice broke when she tried to call out to him. He didn’t turn around.

I’m going to punch that fucker in the face.

Her breath came out heavy and thick, her chest heaving with adrenaline and anticipation and hot, hot rage.

He can’t just walk away from me.

Turn around. Turn around and face me, you coward.

 

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